I AM SOOO EMBARRASSED! You know that looong list I published last week? About, um, damnation? Seems something got lost in my e-mail. The list ACTUALLY reflected the results of a marketing survey by Gelp, Oggl, & Dipply Consulting ("GOD" for short), about whether folks prefer Devil's Food or Angel's Food cake. Most (like me) go for the Devil's chocolate. Golly, sorry for consigning all you people to the fiery depths of Hell!

A CERTAIN LOCAL PIZZERIA received an irate call from an "odd-sounding fellow" named Frank Rizzo -- who complained that the pizza delivery driver tried to reach up his shorts and GRAB HIS BALLS! The savvy shop manager guessed something fishy was up, but allowed Rizzo a nice long rant before cutting him off. Soon the fishy smell had a name: "Frank Rizzo" is a Jerky Boy nom de plume! You remember the Jerky Boys, who parlayed a mess of rollicking, filthy, obnoxious phone calls into a major movie deal. Ah, yes, those Jerkies were the South Park of 1995... but guys! Get a new idea already!

IT'S NEW YEAR'S EVE, closing night at fancy-pants cabaret Teatro Zinzanni -- and who shows up but KING5 anchor Jean Enersen, picture-perfect in her "Pepto-Bismol pink" power suit (thanks to the Times' Melanie McFarland for that apt metaphor). Enersen picked like a bird at her $250 meal, then asked the waiter to box up the remainder of the feast for the KING5 kids. So what did Jean tip the waiter for all this effort? SEVEN LOUSY BUCKS!! On $250? Jeezus! That's 2.8%! Jean, honey, I think you owe one of the "little people" about $40 -- that is, if you can afford it!!

"I'M NOT A WUSS!" shirley@thestranger.com