AH, THE WHIMSICAL NERD: endlessly entertaining, and bringing hilarity to almost every social situation. It is with great fondness that I remember those old school days, and how the nerd provided me with hours of bullying enjoyment. Whether I was dumping the nerd head-first into a garbage can, or shoving him into mud puddles (don't fret -- I only did this if he made the classic blunder of wearing white jeans to school), the nerd's ability to happily accept his grimy fate (as well as underpants up the crack) never ceased to amaze me.

Now I am older; and reflecting back on my troubled youth, I realize how much I owe the nerd, for he is the one who helped me develop a gift I use almost every day -- the gift of being good at terrorizing my co-workers. As you probably know, many nerds grow up to be writers, and so it is like a dream come true to work at a weekly newspaper. My office has more nerds than a Babylon 5 convention! Every day is like a trip to the Disney Store -- filled with delightful and gullible four-eyed dorks! And they're all mine -- mine to endlessly toy with and humiliate! HA! HA, HA, HAAAAAAAAAAA!

Anyway, it is with great appreciation and fondness that I devote this episode of I Love Television™ to the newest nerds in my life -- the nerds of the 1999-2000 TV season. As anyone who has been watching TV lately is aware, you can't swing a terrified freshman without hitting a high school or college drama/comedy: there's Felicity, Dawson's Creek, Popular, Roswell, and of course, one of the greatest works of art of the past century, Boy Meets World. However! Just when you thought the toilet couldn't hold another poop, three more shows have joined the field: Malcolm in the Middle (Sundays at 8:30, FOX), Brutally Normal (Mondays at 9:00, the WB), and Freaks and Geeks (which I realize isn't exactly a new show, but it might as well be, since no one was watching it until NBC moved it to Mondays at 8:00. So, nyaaah).

Malcolm in the Middle has recently been showered with a ton of butt-licky critical acclaim which, naturally, I disagree with. I appreciate them featuring a nerd in the title role -- Malcolm being a junior-high genius whose main task in life appears to be staying away from the receiving end of the school bully's fists -- but while the show has a sufficient amount of quirky charm (including nudist parents), it seems to infer that being a nerd is somehow an acceptable lifestyle. I mean, can you imagine? Who on earth would want to be a stupid nerd? HA! HA, HA, HAAAAAAAAAA!

On the other hand, Brutally Normal is a Ferris Bueller's Day Off for the Y2K generation, documenting the amusing adventures of three high-schoolers, only one of whom is a dork. And while this chump definitely has nerdish qualities, he doesn't pass my stringent "shove his head in the toilet" criteria. However, all our nerdy prayers are answered by Bill, the gangly, bespectacled über-dork from Freaks and Geeks! Obsessed with sci-fi, unattractive, and as sharp as a bag of mashed potatoes, Bill is what all nerds should aspire to be, easily surpassing my former favorite geek -- the late and lamented Urkel. Sighhh.

So let us all salute the nerd! Champion of the oppressed and wheezing asthmatic! Keeper of the flame, and collector of the ceramic James T. Kirk bust! Savior of the science class, and protector of the... whoops! Gotta run! A book reviewer just walked in... and he's wearing WHITE PANTS! Whoopeeee!