WELL, OF COURSE YOU'RE FAMILIAR with Jerry Orbach, right? He's the gruff and weathered dreamboat who plays Detective Briscoe on NBC's Law & Order. And while it's a well-documented fact that I HATE Law & Order (and especially its spin-off, Law & Order: Spastic Victim's Unit), I adore Jerry Orbach -- especially since he also starred in Patrick Swayze's brilliant Dirty Dancing. In this film, Jerry shines as Jennifer "Baby" Gray's doting doctor father, who comes to appreciate Patrick -- even after he catches Swayze rubbing his sizable groin all over his little girl.

Now that we all know who Jerry Orbach is, let's try putting ourselves in his shoes for a moment, shall we? Imagine yourself as the esteemed Jerry Orbach on a normal day.... Now, if you were Jerry Orbach, you might start your morning with a sensible breakfast, followed by a trip to the spa, where you would indulge yourself in a mud wrap, massage, and a quick facial vacuum. Then it's off to meet your agent to discuss an upcoming role in Dirty Dancing II: Special Victim's Unit! Before making a reservation for dinner at Spago's with an expensive whore, you might want to check out which expensive whores will be available for the evening by logging on to "the World Wide Web." There, you admire the fancy websites, imagining how having your own site could easily expand your ever-burgeoning fan base.

HOWEVER! Fanciful dreams quickly turn to anger! Then... revulsion, as you discover someone else has already put dibs on jerryorbach.com as a domain name! Your mind reels in horror! What kind of monster would do such a thing? Your hands are clenched in fists of rage, banging relentlessly on your keyboard, while you scream to the heavens, "WHY? WHY? WHY?" Finally your anger dissolves into tears of frustration, as you realize your impotent fuming cannot remove the stigma forever attached to your name -- the stigma of being victimized by "a cybersquatter."

Okay, you're not Jerry Orbach anymore. But! What's really frightening is that this story is 100 percent true! (Except, of course, for the whores part... and Dirty Dancing II, Spago's, and the facial vacuum. I'm pretty sure he has a sensible breakfast, though.) Jerry Orbach has been "cybersquatted," and is in the process of trying to reclaim the name he says rightfully belongs to him: jerryorbach.com. And apparently, Jerry's not the first celeb to get squatted on, as all it takes is 70 bucks and a click of the mouse to own any untaken name.

Though my love for Jerry Orbach knows few bounds, it is part of my nature to laugh at the misfortune of others -- especially when a rich celebrity gets screwed! However, my laughter quickly turned to shock... then revulsion when I dialed up names4ever.com (an Internet domain company) and discovered that some asshole has stolen www.ilovetv.com!! Hey! It's not funny! I haven't generated years of sweat sitting in front of the tube in order to have some four-eyed, bed-wetting, Pamela Lee-lovin', buck-toothed computer dork rip off what's rightfully mine! NOBODY steals ilovetv.com from ME! Regardless of the fact that I will probably never use it, ilovetv.com is MINE, and to the person who so unthoughtfully stole it? Get ready to log on to a new site, pal! And it's called breakmyfootoffinyourass.com!

MAW! Get my squirrel rifle! I'm goin' huntin' fer some squatters!