AS YOU READ THIS, I, Shirley, am in sunny Hawai'i with Mother Rodell, bonding over some pu pu in a colorful muu muu. Luckily for me and my nosy ilk, a notorious local TV insider known only as "The Rooster" has stepped forward to fill this column with a gigantic buttload of stimulating tales from the NATPE conference in New Orleans, 1/24-27. That's the National Association of Television Producers and Executives -- in other words, a bunch of soulless, ass-kissin', Hummer-drivin' bastards with baroque and twisted sex lives. Aloha till next time!
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COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOO!! So I only get as far as the New Orleans Airport, before I see my first celebrity: Ed McMahon! The old duffer exits the men's lav alone, looking very confused. And what's that splurping down his pant leg? TINKLE STAINS? Impossible! Ed McMahon doesn't tinkle! (Or does he!?!)
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COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOO!! I'm checking out Jack Hanna's exotic animal exhibit when this Q-Tip of a woman sidles up next to me in a blue dress, oohing and ahhing over the baby tigers. That voice... so familiar... IT'S THAT BITCH DR. LAURA! Oddly, she wasn't shrill. She didn't even scold the baby tigers for sleeping together! Feeling under the weather, Doc? Laura's wrinkly as a rhino hide, and Christ! Give the old bat a sandwich! She's thinner than Calista Flockhart, Olive Oyl, and Jean Enersen put together! (Preferably in a burlap sack!)
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COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOO!! Verne Troyer, best known as "Mini Me" in Austin Powers 2, is only 2' 8" tall, about the size of a liter of Coke. I watched him sign autographs -- the lucky cuss can look down ladies' shirts as they bend over to greet him. (Coincidentally, his head is about the size of a breast.) ··· Later, I spotted Verne driving behind another Little Person in a mini-convoy of two Lark scooters. Obsessed with the whereabouts of his cell phone, Verne looked behind him to see if he dropped it -- but the guy in front stopped short... CRASH! Midget car-pile!
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COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOO!! One favorite NATPE pastime is getting your photo taken with the TV stars. So I got my picture taken with the cast of Fox's That '70s Show. Everyone's all jolly and friendly -- parents Red & Kitty (Kurtwood Smith & Debra Jo Rupp), doofy Kelso & his gf Jackie (Ashton Kutcher & Mila Kunis), and the exotic Fez (Wilmer Valderrama). To break the ice, I tell them I grew up in Wisconsin (where the show is set) in the '70s, and chuckle, "Y'know, it was NOTHING like your show!" Red & Kitty smile appreciatively, but Fez gets his microfiber bikinis in a knot, and pouts snottily, "Well I guess it's good enough for TV." CLICK!
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COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOO!! Wooden James Bond figurine Roger Moore -- sporting a futuristic, superpowered hearing aid -- displayed an unwholesome quirk whenever he got his photo taken, which was almost constantly. It seems the only way he can force his wrinkly apple-head face into a smile is to chirp in a jaunty singsong voice, "Ah-ha-ha!!"
Shirley suks! The Rooster RUUUUUULES!!
