MAHALO to "The Rooster" for filling in last week when I was in sunny Hawai'i! Don't be jealous: Just picture my red, bumpy, sun-damaged face and macadamia-induced weight gain. But what a place! The people dress in their pajamas, the hunkiest news anchor is channel 8's Howard Dashefsky (a cross between red-headed actor Timothy Busfield and KING 5 meteorologist Jeff Renner, with all the personality of a bowl of tapioca), and Baywatch Hawaii producers are trying, Paul Allen-style, to strong-arm the state government into giving them $2.5 million. And damn! The weather's NICE, baby!

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CHARM-SCHOOL DROPOUT: A certain Northwest rock star recently checked out of a "very posh" Seattle hotel -- and boy, did he leave a MESS! It wasn't the first time, either! After the rocker vacated his suite, I'm told the housekeeping staff found "syringes everywhere, as well as some leftover H, tubes, and other paraphernalia. The hazardous substances included blood on the bed, and -- get this! -- human shit smeared all over the bathroom walls." Last year, a local hotel reportedly charged rocker-man over $2,000 to replace the carpeting, but this time "the biggest asshole of grunge" is PERMANENTLY 86d!! And that's not all: "He's a shitty fuckin' tipper!"

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ONE MORE FROM THE ROOSTER: Celebrity animal handler Jack Hanna (jackhanna.com) PRETENDS he's a kooky, absent-minded animal guy, but he's actually an ass-kissing ASS! At NATPE, the national TV convention, people stopped by his exhibit to get their photos taken with exotic animals. One guy was posing with a cute li'l critter on his lap, when the famous Jack Hanna suddenly approaches, in the flesh! Does he smile? Say hello? No, and no! Seems he was entertaining an IMPORTANT PERSON from a MEDIA OUTLET -- so without so much as a howdy-do, Hanna swipes the animal away, hoping he can brown-nose a little press coverage! Hey Hanna: Your desperation's showing, and it AIN'T PRETTY!

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SPRING TRAINING: Kevin contributes this classic baseball story: "I was sitting at Sea-Tac airport minding my own business (not that I often do that) when I noticed a tall man. It took a while, but I finally recognized bald, bearded Mariner right-fielder Jay Buhner. 'Bone' stood near the gate with his wife and three or four little children. One of his kids was clambering around on some chairs -- when out of nowhere the 6' 3", 210-lb Bone whacks the kid on the head with his powerful arms, shouting gruffly, 'Get the hell off of that!' The kid obeyed, acting like nothing happened -- in fact, no one reacted, not even the mother! I was horrified. Shortly afterward the Bone family -- all behaving properly -- disappeared into first-class, and I never saw them again." Bad to the bone, indeed!

"Online lattes, Mornings Live on Q." Oh boy!! shirley@thestranger.com