SO... HOW YA DOIN'? Good? That's good. Me? Oh, I'm fine... yep, just fine. Yep... yep... yep. Soooooo. What'd you do last week? Watch some tube? You did? Watched a lot of tube? Well, that's pretty interesting, especially since last week was supposed to be NATIONAL TURN OFF YOUR TV WEEK!! Ah-HA-HA! Got ya!

"GodDAMN your foul and cunning trickery, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey," I hear you curse, while slamming your fist down in impotent fury. "I had every intention of eschewing all television arts last week in favor of curling up with the latest Oprah's Book Club selection -- but I... I just couldn't do it! Ohhh, boo-hoo-hoo! Again I have failed! A wretched soul, such as I, does not deserve to read the latest Sister Ya-Ya! And so... with the pin from my Oprah's Book Club official member broach... I shall jab out mine own EYES! JAB! JAB! JAB! Ohhhhh, cruel fates... now I am blind. Forever shall I wander the earth with bloody sockets; another shattered soul crushed beneath the weight of Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's cruel yet righteous wit. Goodbye friends... family... all. Goodbye."

Jeez! Somebody needs a Midol! I was just going to say it's FINE if you watched TV last week! You should know by now that these "TV Turn-Off" guys are just a bunch of burned-out hippie blowholes whose simplistic idea of eradicating all evil in the world is foregoing a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond. I mean, c'mon! Do they really think you can't decide for yourself when to shut off that Road Rules marathon? It's these holier-than-thou, touchy-feely Hitlers who think "the perfect world" is filled with Utne Reader-reading, NPR-listening, Ralph Nader-voting zombies who have never jaywalked, lit up a cig, or toppled backward over a balcony after one too many shots of Jägermeister. Sure, my world may not be perfect, but at least it's not boring, thankyouverymuch.

Anyhoo, never let it be said I'm not doing my bit to make this rock more livable, and that's why I've come up with a few activities that are FAR superior to "TV Turn-Off Week." Brilliant though these ideas may be, I sincerely don't give a flying handshake whether you try them or not. Expressing your individualism isn't about guilt... unless of course you're Catholic, in which case if you don't try these ideas, you'll go straight to Hell. 'Kay? 'Kay.

First there's "Good Oral Sex Week." Imagine if everyone you knew spent an entire week really focusing on improving their oral sex skills. Would the world be a better place? I think it might. Or how about "Teach a Kid about the Horse Track Week"? Not only are math skills involved, but if you play your cards right, you can get a cut of the kid's take. "Give Your Dog a Plate of Spaghetti Week." Mama mia! Rover will howl in delight as he sucks up plate after plate of delicious spaghetti. And just think of the photo ops!

Of course, there's also "Eat My Ass Week," but I was thinking that might be a better activity for the "TV Turn-Off" guys. Regardless, my point is this: Don't let bong-huffing dopes tell you how to live your life. Let your conscience be clear and watch as much TV as you want!

Oooops. I forgot I tricked you into jabbing your eyes out. Sorrrrry!

Send all turn-ons and turn-offs to