See you next week!
xox- David Schmader
MONDAY, APRIL 24 I'm not tempted to call him. I resolve to survive getting dumped, this time with dignity. I begin by spending the fine spring evening smoking pot with my best friend, Po-Po, while watching The Simpsons. Then I drive to a newsstand to buy Cosmopolitan, a scary thing called Cosmo girl!, RealSimple, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, and the Xena--Warrior Princess digest.
"Do you have Woman's Day or Family Circle?" I ask the girl behind the counter, who looks at me like I'm stoned or something.
"Uh, we find those titles don't do too well for us, actually," she says.
At home I crawl under the blankets with enough distractions for a week, which should be long enough to cure the worst of the heart-ache. I guess I lose track of time, but I'm positive it's past midnight when the building manager smells gas, kicks down the door, and pulls my head out of the oven.
TUESDAY, APRIL 25 I take a Cosmopolitan test, "Are You Completely Controlling?" I get seven points -- "the domineering dater." Why didn't I take this stupid thing before he gave me the axe? "You give girlfriends a bad name by being controlling in the extreme." That seems unduly harsh since I missed being "the give-and-take girlfriend" by just one lousy point. "Even though you seem strong, you're really insecure." Oh, my God, this is eerie! Has Cosmo been reading my diary? "You're afraid that you'll never get the love you really want. So you set rules for men to make yourself think you're loved." Suddenly, I remember the time I told him not to wear gray sweatpants with elastic ankles when we went out to dinner. Maybe I should call him to apologize?
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 26 Impulsively, I pull over to pick up three hitchhiking teenage boys. They tumble in like puppies, clutching skateboards. They are headed back to Bainbridge, where the skating sucks. One of them inexplicably pulls out a lacy white brassiere and drapes it on his head. "It still smells all girly and shit." The cutest one, who appears to be the alpha male, apologizes for his friend. "He's always doing crazy stuff like that." Bra-boy pipes up from the back, "Once I got into the Lusty Lady with a fake ID that said I was a ballistic-weapons specialist." If this boy is not shot attempting to rob a Radio Shack, I predict he will grow up to make many poor girls or boys very miserable.
After I toss the boys out of the van, I come home and crack open the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Many of the photos are in 3-D. Grimly, I clamp the red-and-blue glasses to my head. Within moments, dizzy and disoriented by countless sand-sprinkled breasts, I black out. When I come to, I find I am holding the phone in my hand. I fear the worst.
THURSDAY, APRIL 27 RealSimple encourages me to "rid yourself of excess mental baggage by creating a haven of calm and serenity." In a feng-shui frenzy, I carry three garbage bags full of clothing, papers, and knickknacks out to the dumpster. Then I create a simple floral arrangement of a peony in a jelly jar and light a ginger/ lemon-scented candle. Just as I begin to feel the first hints of tranquility since he told me that he'd "like to be friends that have casual sex," I remember that I'm here housesitting for a friend.
FRIDAY, APRIL 28 I turn to the Xena digest for positive visualization tools. It consists primarily of plot summaries and text along the lines of, "Hercules, in Redemption, eventually destroys Dahak -- with help from Iolaus' soul which is trapped in the vile essence of the corpse." Not very useful. But one paragraph strikes a chord. "In Episode Number 6, Xena is tempted with her old warlike ways and breaks her bonds to pummel her captors with horrible violence." Xena, not unlike myself, appears to be a strong woman who is somewhat misunderstood. I consider displaying the centerfold in which she is wearing a pink leather bustier while wielding what I have learned is called a chakram, but I'm concerned I might rip her where she's stapled together.
SATURDAY, APRIL 29 I erase his number from my phone. I tape a sign over the computer that reads, "Don't call him." I put a Post-It note on my rearview mirror on which I've scribbled, "Turn the car around. Only a stalker makes surprise visits." Just to distract myself, I try to do as the Cosmo girl! article suggests: "Double-dare yourself to try something new!" I call a few girlfriends and invite them to a rhinestone party where we will glue pretty sparkles to our old handbags or flip-flops. For some reason, everybody has other plans. I try teaching myself the trick of tightly winding about an inch of my hair around a metal dinner fork, spritzing it with hair spray (try Physique Styling Spray, $4), and blasting it with high heat for five seconds. But the fork sears my scalp and then I get really thirsty. So I pop into Kincora Pub, where he usually has a beer after work. He's sitting at the bar, talking with some girl, and he looks a little startled to see me. When the girl gets up suddenly to go to the bathroom, I ask him if he'd mind if I sucked his dick.
SUNDAY, APRIL 30 I used the rest of the money Schmader gave me for magazines to buy a bottle of 120-proof Rumpleminze, so I'm still one magazine short for my assignment. After I lean on his buzzer for a while, my friend Mr. Nathan wakes up, comes down, and throws a 1949 copy of Better Homes and Gardens at me. Before long I'm loaded enough to stop fretting about my ex's unwarranted use of the phrases "sexual predator" and "restraining order" during the previous evening's misunderstanding, but still sober enough to stumble safely home, where I wade through an article entitled "Birth -- The Supreme Miracle of the Universe." I am stunned by these words, which swim like sea monkeys before my eyes. "In a sense, all of this activity is like preparing a house -- the uterus -- for an honored guest. If the guest -- a fertilized ovum -- does not arrive, all the preparations have been in vain. Therefore, excess tissue breaks down and is discarded." Finally, I think to myself as oblivion claims me once again -- some helpful advice a girl can really use.
Thank you, Tamara. Hot Tippers: Send your stuff to firstname.lastname@example.org, or phone the 24-hour Hot Tip Hotline at 323-7101 ext. 3113.
P.S. Pizzazz!, The Stranger's first annual, city-wide talent show, takes place Thurs May 11, at Consolidated Works, 410 Terry Ave N, and you'd be an absolute idiot to miss it. Hosted by me, Dave Schmader, with a guest appearance by Dina Martina, Pizzazz! will feature celebrity judges, fabulous prizes, and a staggering array of talent. Show is at 7, cover is 10 bucks. See you there!