When Dan Savage was indicted on charges of voter fraud in Iowa last week, we here at The Stranger were very surprised. Not that Dan was charged with a felony, mind you, but that it took this long, and stemmed from such a boring crime. Over the years, America's favorite faggot has committed countless misdeeds far more heinous than allegedly fibbing on a caucus registration form. Here are some of Dan's more vociferous victims, along with suggested punishments to fit the crimes.

"When Dan Savage was a waiter at Cafe Septieme, he was very impertinent, and served me several lukewarm omelets."
-- Lars Mullen, investment banker
Suggested Sentence: 500 hours community service

"With his hateful, heartless writing, Dan Savage set the Gay movement back 450 years. Plus, he stabbed my mother."
-- Tom Flint, former editor, Seattle Gay News
Suggested Sentence: Mandatory grand-marshaling of Seattle's gay pride parade for the next 50 years

"With his theater company Greek Active, Dan Savage repeatedly directed me to wear women's clothing and act like Daffy Duck."
-- Charles Smith, classically trained actor
Suggested Sentence: 14 years on a chain gang

"Dan Savage always spells the word 'cunnilingus' wrong. Always."
-- Melody Moss, Stranger copy editor
Suggested Sentence: Death by lethal injection