At least half the e-mails I received this week went like this: "I saw Marky Mark eating a hot dog at Pike Place Market, and WOAH is he adorable!" The other half were from people asking if I knew the shooting schedule of the Mark Wahlberg and Jennifer Aniston flick (which, of course, I do) so they could get a firsthand peek at Jenny Aniston's frighteningly fake yabbos. People, really! Two relatively minor (MINOR, I say!) celebrities come to town and Seattle shits itself? There's all kinds of interesting stuff going on in Seattle that has NOTHING TO DO with the filming of another schmaltzy romantic comedy that's only going to junk up video stores. But do any of you care?

Let's just ignore the fact that mean ol' Linda Evans sicked some surly lawyers on me last week just because I told a big fat LIE about her. A few weeks back, I announced on The MIX 95.7's morning show that the infomercial queen had a tiff with J. Z. Knight (her walking, talking OUIJA board), and gave the trance-channeler the old heave-ho. No matter that we were playing the Gossip GAME--the objective of which is to win FABULOUS PRIZES by correctly guessing which gossip item I made up--and that I made it BLINDINGLY clear I had pulled that particular piece of gossip right out of my ass. Linda had J. Z.'s lawyers on me like a chicken on a wounded worm. (I was contacted by her lawyers via OUIJA board. Ha, ha. Just jokin' there, Linda!) The woman can believe that the ghost of an ancient Atlantean warrior (why are they ALWAYS ancient Atlantean warriors?) who lived 35,000 years ago has a timeshare in the body of a Yelm woman, but can she take a joke?

And just never you mind that ex-Seattle City Council Member Shari Harris was on a campaign for cooter at I-Spy's monthly all-grrrl night, Hot Box. Informants overheard Harris schmoozing a cute club kitten with the unbelievably cheesy line, "WOOO hoo! It just got hotter in HERE." Shari was IGNORED! But let's not worry about THAT scrumptious little piece of dish--Jennifer Aniston was seen wearing a halter top with spaghetti straps on Western Ave! That's FAR more interesting!

And what about Seattle's own sparkling little jewels of fame, our local celebs? Like sweet, contentious "Piggy" of Road Rules, who took the time to e-mail me TWICE all the way from Mazatlan, concerned about some silly rumor I've been hearing about her. Or the whole herd of friendly notables who were seen yukking it up with the waitstaff at the Palace Kitchen last week: Todd Rundgren, Peter Buck (R.E.M.), wife Stephanie Dorgan (owner of the Crocodile), Mark Lindquist (author of Never Mind Nirvana), and Scott McCaughey (Minus 5, et al.). We have such glowing examples of polite, approachable celebrity in our midst--totally unlike a certain snooty, out-of-town Friends actress who (allegedly) gave the finger to a fan who innocently whistled at her on Fifth and Pike. How rude!

So enough already! Unless Jennifer Aniston forgets her tits in her hotel room or Mark Wahlberg is videotaped getting fucked in the ass by Shari Harris with a big blue strap-on, I just don't want to know about it!

I am watching you. Try to be interesting. adrian@thestranger.com.