While all good things must come to an end, some seem to pitter on and on, endlessly dragging themselves out until you are so sick of hearing about them you just wanna roll over and hurl. And so it is with the opening of EMP. Therefore, although I am sure EMP dish will probably trickle in forever, barring some earth-shattering revelation about Dave Stewart's bifurcated penis or Patti Smith ending up in a Paul Allen/Gina Gershon sandwich, this will be the last time you will read anything even remotely related to the EMP opening in It's All True!

Speaking of trickling--it's a pissing match of the stars! Rumor has it that the Red Hot Chili Peppers had a fascinating way of cooling down after their grueling EMP set. According to my informant, the Peppers all got shit-faced, stood side by side, unsheathed their schlongs, and competed to see who could hit the dressing room sink with their urine! Ready, aim, FIRE! My insider didn't specify which one of the boys emerged victorious in this homoerotic little bonding ritual or exactly what they "won."

Ooh! The big scary badasses of rock 'n' roll, huh? Not according to an industry insider we'll call "Emcee"! Having barely gotten their buzz on with the 228 cans of Bud Light (no kidding!) that Kid Rock and his posse ordered to his dressing room, Kid had Emcee arrange a post-show soiree at Axis! This little brouhaha was crashed by the Metallica boys, Eminem, the Cold Crush Bros., and Grandmaster Flash (the Chili Peppers were not invited for obvious reasons). So, what did all of these big, bad rocker/rapper dudes DO when they all got together? Slap some ho's around? Bust a cap in some fool's ass? Launch their piss at a sink? HELL NO! They sat around having soul-searching conversations about "chicks, dicks, and politics"! Imagine! They then (and this is my favorite part) had my informant go out and get them some "party favors"! Slim Shady, Kid Rock, and a bunch of hardcore buttrockers all wearing pointy little hats, playing with noisemakers, and talking about politics! What dorks.

Next we turn to KJ, my all-time favorite snitch. (KJ couldn't have been more on the inside of the EMP opening if she were camping in Kid Rock's colon.) According to KJ, the boys from Filter had a wicked case of the munchies shortly after their set (go figure!), and rang Domino's for a large sausage-and-cheese. But when the delivery dude showed, the boys all ducked out, ostensibly hoping someone else would pick up the tab! Flustered and afraid of losing 12 whole dollars in this quickly crumbling economy, the enterprising delivery driver sold the pie to a gaggle of nearby groupies. When the cheapskate musicians re-emerged and realized their dinner was being scarfed by a bunch of pubescent autograph hounds, they got all humpty and forced poor KJ to scamper off to the Queen Anne Pagliacci to pick them up another one!

So there you have it. Kaput, finito, finis. From this point on, the only thing you will hear about EMP is the amount of the final bid I receive for Ann Wilson's dirty makeup rag (the EMP version of the Shroud of Turin) and the tube socks the Chili Peppers "wore" onstage. Truly, these are the hottest rock star souvenirs since that clump of Whitney Houston's hair I plucked from a hotel-room drain and gave to friends for Christmas! Proceeds from the sale of these two priceless items go to Bailey Boushay House, so get off your spoiled, corpulent, rock star-worshipping fannies and start your bidding!

I am watching you. Try to be interesting. Send dirt and rock star auction bids to adrian@thestranger.com.