Can it be TRUE? A pseudo-reliable little birdie has whispered in my ear that KUBE 93 (strangely enough) is throwing a party celebrating the glorious release of Madonna's cleverly titled new album, Music. The shindig will be held at Re-bar ("Yep," says owner Steve Wells. "Isn't it embarrassing?") on Thursday, September 14, and is to feature a myriad of Madonna-esque accoutrements and activities: Madonna games, Madonna giveaways, Madonna look-alikes and... Madonna? My source swears up and down that his people are in contact with her people, and that she has actually expressed an interest in making a surprise appearance at the event. True? I haven't the vaguest. But if she does show, I want to be the first to tell you about it. If she doesn't? I warned you. Either way, I'll sleep like a kitten and still get into heaven.

Another KUBE 93 goodie: When I offhandedly mentioned to KUBE Morning Show co-host Kristin Henchman (a.k.a. "Lifeguard") that Q13 newscasters Scott Engler and Dan Devone were seen schlepping around Planet Hollywood, reportedly "looking like two chumps" and "quite uncomfortable that no girls were hitting on them," she jumped to their defense. "That is so rude!" barked Henchman, a personal friend of the chumps. "Those two are the sweetest guys, and totally adorable." Sweet, hmm? Totally adorable, hmm? When I tried to pry her for more info, she tightened up like a sorority girl in a bucket of ice water. Regardless, the pair reportedly said nary a word to each other, but stood aloof, desperately scanning the room and hoping some girl (any girl!) would talk to them. Hmm....

What mad pathology compels disgustingly rich people to always expect to get stuff for free? Well, it looks like Eminem wasn't the only notable acting like a spoiled brat at the Tacoma Dome's "Up in Smoke" show. Word has it that Gary Payton tried to use his status as a revoltingly overpaid basketball star to muscle his way into the hiphop extravaganza, sans ticket. Fortunately, the wise and steadfast event staff struck a blow for Ticketmaster, refusing Payton and his date entry and leaving the pair with egg on their faces and a new respect for our capitalist society.

Elsewhere: My good friend and frequent snitch Brandon recognized the progeny of Anne Rice's spooky loins, Christopher Rice, signing stock copies of his first novel, A Destiny of Souls (spooky!), at the Pacific Place Barnes & Noble last week. Contrary to its spooky title, the book features no unholy creatures who suck blood, just unholy creatures who suck, chronicling as it does the tortured young Mr. Rice's coming to terms with his painful homosexuality. According to snitchy Brandon, Mr. Rice was looking painfully homosexual in tight (tight, tight) black jeans, a gray Lycra/cotton-blend dancing shirt (with sweat stains), and black patent leather shoes. Spooky.

Confidential to the beautifully dressed woman on the number 8 bus on Thursday, August 31 (the one who cleaned all of the trash out of her purse, wadded it into a ball, and pitched it out the window): Bitch.

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