Imagine: You're at a bar, hanging out with friends, maybe even chatting up a cute piece of rump you've had your eye on. Out of the blue, some asshole rudely bumps your arm. You just paid for that beer, and now it's in your lap! What are you going to do about it, tough guy?

I'm Betty White. Years of being pushed around by overbearing shitheels like Bea Arthur and Ed Asner have led me to develop streetfighting techniques that can drop an opponent in under 20 seconds. I call it...


POINT ONE: Mercy? Christ, don't make me laugh. Did that punk show any mercy when he embarrassed you in front of a bar filled with beautiful ass? No, sir, he did not! STRIKE FIRST and use MAXIMUM FORCE. You're in this to win, and winners don't wait their turn.

POINT TWO: BLIND HIM! Curl your fingers into a vulture's claw and go for the eyes! You'd be surprised how fast a perforated eyeball takes the fight out of some belligerent little prick. Pretend his eyes have asses, and start kicking!

POINT THREE: CUT OFF HIS AIR! Chokeholds are great if you've got the time, but remember--your opponent will just start breathing again when you let go! Instead, lunge forward and seize his Adam's apple! That stringy bit of cartilage is all that stands between you and total victory. Clench it in your fist! Crush it! Yank it free!

POINT FOUR: TEACH HIM A LESSON! The fight isn't over once he's down! Total victory demands total retribution! If your opponent walks away with nothing more than blurry vision and a sore throat, you might just find him bumping your arm again one day. While he's down, picture him as a soft, flabby bundle of vulnerable targets. Kick every one until the blood runs like wine.

Then--and only then--can you walk away. But don't leave without a witty phrase for your target to remember you by. Pull up your skirt, squat over his bleeding face, and let loose, saying: "Hey, pal! This Bud's for YOU!" Ha! Ha! HA! Believe me, your victim won't like it any better than Ed Asner did!