This week I had what you might call a crisis of conscience. It began while watching an interview with senatorial candidate Deborah Senn. As I sat listening to Debby's downright swell position on civil rights and salmon recovery, my little bosom began to heave with hope, civic pride, and a new faith in the democratic process. Why, I wanted to jump out of my chair and cast my vote for her right then and there! Then suddenly all of the wretched things I have printed about Debby came rushing back to me in a gut-wrenching flash: that she and Susan Powter were secretly bumping uglies, and especially that koala bear crack. Waves of guilt and nausea washed over me as I realized that in some itsy bitsy way, I could have damaged Debby's chance at a seat in the senate and--holy shit!--contributed to the possible re-election of Slade Gorton. So this week, in an attempt to clean my filthy, stinking karma (and hopefully prevent my reincarnation as a possibly closeted dyke suffering from koala bear-head), I am going to reign in my ferocious mouth and abstain from my customary slams, snipes, and quips.

So! I am just bursting with joy to report that the world's greatest horror writer (heck, writer PERIOD!) Stephen King has teamed up with ABC to film a made-for-TV movie in Seattle! This project has brought a whole caravan of ultra-famous Hollywood movers and shakers to town, including Julian Sands (who is just as incredible-looking in person as he was in the groundbreaking smash hit Warlock) and the unforgettable Nancy Travis. The film is shooting for the next several weeks at the UW campus, the Henry Art museum, and in Tacoma, so if you keep your eye out, you just might spot a bona fide star! Yay!

And if Julian Sands wasn't enough to set a girl's heart aflutter, that little slice o' heaven Brad Pitt was in Seattle to attend the EMP's Jeff Buckley tribute. Sensitive, compassionate Brad and his companion (an attractive young woman with dark hair) were overwhelmed with emotion and consoled each other affectionately, with Brad placing his arm around her, smoothing her hair, and even offering a peck or two on the forehead. Personally, I think it's great that just because a woman isn't his wife, Brad can go out of his way to extend such warmth and affection to her. What a beautiful person--Jennifer Aniston must be so proud! Oh yeah, Chris Cornell was there too.

And local artist Kathryn Rathke had the unbelievable good fortune of being called "babe" by Alex Trebek while working on the Jeopardy set at the UW last week. While the more reactionary might view Alex's affectionate term as blatant misogyny and/or sexual harassment... well, I have nothing to say about that.

Confidential note to recently estranged Macaulay Culkin: With all my thoughtless jailbait jokes, I feel as if I am at least partly responsible for your impending divorce. I want you to know that if you need someone to talk to, or a back rub, or anything like that, I am here for you. Call me.

Confidential to recently estranged Eddie Vedder: Ditto.

See? Now wasn't that refreshing? I would have liked to wrap up by publicly apologizing to Deborah Senn for any harm or personal distress I might have caused. But then she personally invaded my privacy by leaving an unforgivably cheesy prerecorded campaign message on my unlisted, top-secret home phone like some boiler-room telemarketer. So screw her.

I am watching you. Try to be interesting.