Brace yourself. Our first item will upset many of you, others will simply go mad. Personally, I think it must be a sign of the Apocalypse. But a very sweet girl named Tracy saw King 5's crotchety cracker Jean Enersen getting her roots touched up at Marco Two Union Square salon downtown. Big deal, you say? Well! As completely OUTRAGEOUS as it seems, Tracy INSISTS that Jean was... (ready?)... NICE. Pleasant. Sweet, even! "She's spending far too much time in the tanning booth... those tiny lines are really starting to show. But never mind that; she was gracious, smiled, and was just so NICE to everybody!" Reality is rent asunder. Have you made your peace with God?Meanwhile both "J. Lo" (Jennifer Lopez) AND "Lips" (Angelina Jolie) were across town getting rubbed down and tarted up at Gene Juarez Salon! My spy "L. Zeppy" spotted both stars roaming around the place and says, "J. Lo was really friendly and really short. Angelina was walking around with her Gene Juarez robe on looking absolutely gorgeous. She gave me a half smile mixed with a little paranoia." Well, if you were cheating on Billy Bob Thornton with your own creepy-ass brother, you'd be a little paranoid too. While we all know Angelina is in town filming Life, or Something Like It, I have no clue what J. Lo was doing here. Hiding from Puffy, probably.
Our beautiful friend Lips keeps turning up like a bad penny. "ZA" stumbled across Lips filming at the corner of Columbus and First. "She was sitting in a Mercedes sports car holding an unlit cigarette and wearing a pink dress. For the shot, 'Lips' actually drove the car in a quick U-turn onto the on-ramp for the Alaskan Way Viaduct!" Well, right on Lips! Worried you haven't seen Angelina yourself yet? Easy. Go outside around dusk and face west. Her lips give off a warm, golden light at sunset. You can't miss it.
Finally, "KH" was lucky enough to spot my most all-time beloved hero, Jimmy Carter (no kidding, I adore that old codger!), in the Georgian Room at the Four Seasons Hotel. "He was there for dinner; the lobby was crawling with cops and EXTREMELY BORED-looking Secret Service agents. I mean, who on Earth would try to kill Jimmy Carter? I felt so bad for them, I was tempted to attack JIMMY CARTER with my butter knife, just to break the monotony of the agents' long days." Maybe Jimmy was in town to build some free houses for all those lovable "public inebriates" crowding Capitol Hill. Let's hope so.
