Well, crap. It's official. "Lips" Jolie and "Wrinkles" Williams have abandoned us! Can you believe it? They're filming their fancypants movie else-where, with abso-lutely no regard for OUR feelings. Well, FINE! Who needs 'em? Seattle is just fair-to-burstin' with plenty of its very own movers 'n' shakers, all moving, shaking, and just waiting to be seen! For instance? Read on!

"Last weekend I saw Bill Davis, the guy who plays the Cigarette Smoking Man on The X-Files in the West Marine near Shilshole Bay in Ballard. Since Mr. Davis lives in nearby Vancouver, BC, and is an avid boater, perhaps he was visiting some friend down at Shilshole and needed to pick something up."

Yes-Siree-Bob--the SMOKING MAN! Who needs Hollywood bigwigs when we have THE SMOKING MAN? But the disturbing question remains, what exactly was important enough for the Smoking Man himself to travel all the way from Vancouver to Shilshole to "pick up"? Really makes ya think, doesn't it?

"I was working in a deli and was called to deliver an order to a room in the hotel across the street. When I got there, it was Gary 'whatchyoo-talkin'-'bout-Willis' Coleman himself! He yelled at me for bringing him a can of soda instead of a cup from the fountain (the cans were, obviously, easier for me to deliver). He yelled at me for taking 15 minutes to deliver a sandwich and soda from across the street (did he assume he was the only customer?). The little prick was a total asshole! He barked orders like Napoleon, insisting I return to his room with a salad immediately (he'd neglected to order it the first time). And he didn't tip me! When I got back to the deli, I told my manager this. He pulled me into the back, and we took turns hocking big, gooey loogies into Gary Coleman's salad! Then my manager personally took the salad to him, on the house, and apologized profusely for my previously tardy delivery and misguided choice of beverage formats. Gary didn't tip him, either."

See? Gary Coleman! It doesn't get any bigger than Gary Coleman! Figuratively speaking, of course.

"I saw Chris Kattan (Saturday Night Live) picking up his bags at the luggage carousel at Sea-Tac!"

Yes--you heard right! Goofy, huggable CHRIS KATTAN! Picking up his BAGS! And at SEA-TAC AIRPORT, no less! You see, Angelina and Robin? We don't need you! So, so long, suckas! Don't let the door whack your in the lips on the way out!