I am sure to be beaten like a dog in the streets for this, but... I'd rather watch old people fuck flies than sit through a Mariners game.Not that I have anything against the Mariners: They're okay, as far as chew-lipped zillionaires go. It's just, well, BASEBALL--eeeeeeew! It seems, however, that absolutely no one else on the planet feels the same way, and that includes the herds of big and semi-bigwigs who seem to gather like gnats at every game. Spotted recently: rowdy Tom Brokaw (HEY! I thought he was dead!) and party animal/ex-Senator Slade Gorton (I KNOW he's dead). The two were seen together, incongruously rooting, whooping, doing excited little happy-dances, and--believe it or not--even HIGH-FIVING each other between innings like a couple of beer-sodden frat boys. Happy couple Rob Estes (Suddenly Susan) and Josie Bisset (formerly of Melrose Place and currently seen in Gene Juarez ads) have also been seen in the stands, both decked out in Mariners merchandise, as well as my second favorite actress in the whole wide world (after Lisa Kudrow--ever see The Opposite of Sex? BRILLIANT), Minnie Driver, trying to look inconspicuous and failing beautifully.

I give up: I have scratched, scraped, and scoured this whole stinkin' city for the smallest crumb of Janet Jackson dish, AND... zip! Well, ALMOST zip: I did learn that the captivating Mme. Jackson (who's "cut like a fucking paper snowflake," as a lesbian friend of mine colorfully describes her) barely left her über-swank suite at the über-swanky W Hotel, and rudely scampered in and out through the hotel's parking garage to avoid crowds of anxious fans. Oh! There was also this silly little rumor that the Incredible Melting Michael Jackson showed up incognito at her Portland show, and even sat among the commoners! But I don't believe a word of it. I mean, how could you NOT notice Michael Jackson? You could spot that fruitcake from a satellite photo! ("There's the Great Wall of China. There's the big FREAK.")

Concerned reader Naomi writes, "What ever happened to Alice in Chains lead singer Layne Stanley? I heard that Layne still lives in Seattle, but has anyone seen him?" Why, come to think of it Naomi, heck NO! And I am really beginning to worry; even his fan site laments that no one has heard a peep from the rocker in ages. Maybe somebody should dredge a lake or call out the dogs or something. Are you out there, Layne? CAN YOU HEAR US??!!