The terrible return of Senator Skeletor: If you want MY opinion, CBS's new Saturday night drama Citizen Baines is nothing but a thinly veiled right-wing conspiracy to cram ousted Senator Slade Gorton right back down our liberated throats! Consider the facts: The main character, Elliott Baines, is a creaky ex-Washington State senator; Slade is a creaky ex-Washington State senator! Elliott Baines was disposed of after a zillion years in office; Slade was disposed of after a zillion years in office! Elliott Baines is played by James Cromwell who starred in Babe, a movie about a talking pig that controls the minds of sheep; died-in-the-wool Republican Slade--well, the similarities are too obvious to even MENTION. Heck, the show is even SET in Seattle! I've written to both Skeletor AND CBS execs, demanding that they explain these rather eyebrow-raising coincidences, but so far both have FAILED to respond. Until I get to the bottom of this, I suggest that my readers avoid watching episodes of Citizen Baines, which may contain mind-controlling right-wing subliminal messages. Fess up, boys! Adrian is on to you!I'd love nothing more than to believe that Tommy Lee was spotted emerging from the trail next to the UW hospital, arm in arm with an unidentified rockerette (a cross between "Joan Jett and Molly Ringwald"), and far be it for me to doubt the word of my readers. BUT, while it SOUNDS like Tommy Lee--badass biker sunglasses, head-to-toe tattoos, and "skinny as a fucking 10-year-old"--this description applies to any and everyone who has ever even walked past the Cha-Cha Lounge! So I ask... what are the chances? I am digging, digging, digging of course, trying to discover if Tommy might actually have some business that would bring his delicious ass to Seattle, but so far nary a crumb.
Picture it: September 12, 9 pm--the mean streets of the Central District/Mt. Baker area. Due to the WTC attacks, everyone is jumpy as hell, yet laboring under a newfound sense of community and neighborly love. "Miss Kitty" spots a cute young man walking his dog. Full-to-bursting with patriotic solidarity, she approaches him. "Gee, you look familiar. Where do I know you from?" she asks. The man replies, "Uh, maybe we saw each other at the post office?" The POST OFFICE? Who goes to the POST OFFICE? No one, that's who! That's when it hits her: The cute dog-walker is none other than actor Vince Vaughn! The rumor mill insists that Vince has been seen in the CD before, but we're digging for some concrete reason for his presence. (He's having an affair with Tommy Lee, maybe?) I'll keep you posted.
