Life's really gone down the crapper, hasn't it? Oceans of freezing sludge are spilling from the cold gray sky, former gazillionaires are frantically trying to stretch their final unemployment checks, we've bombed the shit out of places civilized people have never even HEARD of, and any second now I expect some ersatz postal worker in a turban to slip a postcard laced with Ebola under my door ("Allah is great, wish you were dead"). So how to stay bright-tailed and bushy-eyed in these wretched times of crisis? Well! One thing that has cheered me up tremendously is the fact that many, many readers have managed to correctly guess the secret identity of the newscaster seen waiting to get his cantankerous caboose checked out by a prestigious local proctologist who's renowned for the effective removal of rectal warts! Now if that doesn't turn my frown upside down, nothing will.

God, I love what I do.

Now let's talk about my friend Jake Kaplan. At the ripe old age of 21, the once-lowly DJ has managed to claw and chew his way through the backstabbing ranks of broadcast radio to emerge as Mr. Big-Shot Programming Director for KFNK 104.9. Now, astute readers will recall that I was going APESHIT trying to eke out some decent Janet Jackson dish when she blew through town a couple months ago. Well, imagine my DISGUST when I was innocently snooping through my "good friend" Jake's office and discovered (are you ready?) a FRAMED and MOUNTED glossy of Jake, hanging all over (yes) Janet friggin' Jackson! I pitched a hair-raising fit, of course. So, as a sad attempt at redemption, Jake offers us the following (unrelated) story:

Jake and his feverish, flu-infected traveling companion were at SeaTac, waiting for a flight to NYC. The "companion" was hacking and snorting, trying (and failing) to keep his goopy bodily fluids INSIDE his disease-wracked frame. After a few moments of hawking and wheezing, a "skuzzy" guy sitting beside them began to make a fuss. The guy "was really greasy, dressed in old sandals and sweats... hadn't shaved, and was really sloppy." Finally, the disgusted skuzz SLAMMED down his magazine, HEAVED his belongings from the floor, shot Jake and his "companion" a pissy look, and moved to the back of the terminal, utterly humiliating Jake and sickly pal. What's worse? The skuzzy, pissy, germ-avoider was Jason Wiles, former star of Beverly Hills, 90210, and current star of Third Watch! Ha! Dissed by a famous TV star! Sounds like KARMA to me.

You're off the hook this time, Mr. Kaplan.