[Ed.note: Since Wm.™ Steven Humphrey is still on vacation, please accept this advice column written by the Olsen twins (Mary-Kate and Ashley), former stars of Full House and current stars of their own cartoon, Mary-Kate and Ashley in Action (Saturdays, 11:30 a.m., ABC). Whoopee!]

Dear Mary-Kate and Ashley:

I am very upset because I am a fat pig. I'm in the fourth grade, and just can't seem to stop eating! I love pies, and hamburgers, and pizza. And I love milkshakes, and pasghetti, and Ho-Ho's. My friends make fun of me, and it hurts my feelings. I want to be thin, and beautiful, like Kate Moss, or Sasha Dudney, the prettiest girl in my class. Help me, I'm desperate!

Fat Like a Pig

MARY-KATE: Hmmm, that is a problem. However, it's not my problem. I'm very thin, you see, and I'm told almost daily that I'm the cutest actress in show business. However, I'm sure Ashley will understand your predicament, because she's the fat one. And while it shouldn't matter whether my sister is a blimp, it does, because my career hinges on being one half of the world-famous "Olsen Twins." And if Ashley is fat (which she is), then my "stock" as a beautiful actress plummets. So I'm going to tell you what I told Ashley: Get off that tub of ass and go to my personal trainer, Alfredo. He trains out of the Cherchez La Fit gym on Rodeo Drive, and though his rates are truly exorbitant, he's well worth it. Plus, Alfredo is a fox, and says when I turn 16 he'll marry me! And when I asked if he would ever marry Ashley, he said, "How could I ever marry such an ugly pig?" Oh, we laughed and laughed about that one!

In the event that you can't afford someone of Alfredo's talent, I suggest you stop eating altogether. As for Ashley, if she wants to lose five pounds of ugly fat, she might try cutting off her head. Frankly, she's holding me back, and everybody would be better off if she were dead.

ASHLEY: Mary-Kate, you are such a fucking lying little bitch! First of all, I am not fat! I only weigh three and a quarter more pounds than you, and the little girl who wrote us is probably twice that fat! As you already know, my body fat count is only 28%-- a full 2.5% lower than yours, you pissy little slut! And I would probably be called "the cutest actress in show business" too if I went around flashing my hoochie at every producer who walked by! For your information, tramp, everyone laughs at YOU, and that includes your precious Alfredo. He told me you are by far his most "spoiled client," and trying to whip that blobby butt of yours into shape is like trying to "coax two panda bears out of a sack of gouda cheese!" Ohhhh, and how we laughed. We laughed and laughed and LAUGHED!

I find it hard to believe that we truly came from the same egg. And if you're curious about how Mother feels about you, then you'll be glad to hear that she's invited me--not YOU--to spend the summer with her at the chalet in the Pyrenees. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, you cutthroat, back-stabbing, fathead whore!

P.S. By the way, I showed Mom where you keep your cocaine, BITCH.