Thank GOD this interminable span of torture known as "the holidays" has almost pittered itself out; if I have one more fucking eggnog latté, Richard Simmons is going to have to cut me out of my room with a chainsaw. And I'm hell-bent on keeping myself lithe and gorgeous for the magical moment I finally stumble upon (or on top of) DANNY ROBERTS from the Real World New Orleans cast! He was spotted in town last week, and I've been digging into the burning of question of why, why, for the love of God WHY the most beautiful fag who ever fagged has been seen roaming around our sordid little village. According to his most recent bio on MTV.com, Danny and his Army-boy honey-pie Paul planned to relocate to a secret location somewhere on (hold me!) the West Coast! And once in his new locale, Danny intends to enroll in (ready?) MASSAGE and SPORTS THERAPY school! How about THAT? Add a Polartec 300 hiking vest with advanced rainproof technology from REI and it sure as heck sounds like Seattle to me! And if it's true? I just might scrap everything else and start writing about my adorable little obsession full-time! Maybe change "Celebrity I Saw U" to "Dannyland" or "Oh, YES, DANNY--FUCK ME!" or something.

In the meantime, a bunch of far less drop-dead-gorgeous but still notable notables have been active around town. Remember Soundgarden? Well, guitarist Kim Thayil poked his big bearded head from his perennial hiding place long enough to buy a cell phone at a kiosk in Northgate Mall! And remember Echo and the Bunnymen? Their retro-sexy lead, Ian McCullough, was spotted playing pool with several members of the Psychedelic Furs at the Nite Lite downtown! Plus, darling Dave Matthews and the missus were spotted again (those two are stuck together like Chang and Eng, I swear), this time shopping in the natural foods section of QFC, where they just barely missed running smack into a herd of excitable teenage girls (WHEW!). Oh! And before I forget...

Remember that "white elephant" Christmas party I told you about, the one at which State Representative Joe McDermott gallantly decided to pass on the big, honkin' DILDO he opened? Well! Another noteworthy attendee of that very same party (I know... I'm SORRY, but I CAN'T tell who he is!!!) claims to have recently received a world-class holiday handjob from "Center Square"/perennial kitsch icon Jim J. Bullock! Ewww, I know. But do you know what's even more disturbing than that? NOTHING!

celebisawu@thestranger.comTOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT!