Hey! I'm back from my vacation! DID YOU MISS ME? I missed you, too! And while I'm sure bunches of interesting things happened to you, I've decided to talk about the interesting things that happened to me.

For example! As you can undoubtedly guess, an "ordinary" vacation is not my style, because my personality is way too big to be stuck in cities like New York, Hamburg, or Paris, France. The people there, they say, "Sacré bleu, Monsieur Humpy! Your personality! She is too beeg! You should visit other cities, no? And on the way out, don't let the door smack your honey-baked jambon!"

No big deal. I hate those French fucks anyway. But they do have a point! And that's why when I go on vacation, I visit the only city capable of equaling the humongosity of my personality... Las Vegas, Nevada! It's got everything a Humpy needs: Bright lights! Whores! Gambling! Free liquor! Whores! And perhaps most importantly, steak and lobster tail dinners for only $1.97! Great god-a-mighty, that's what I call heaven!

Of course, the unfortunate part of a Vegas vacation is losing everything except one's underpants at the gambling tables--and I eventually managed to accomplish even that. However! I got the last laugh, because I was able to convince the owner of the Bellagio to hook up a complex hose-and-funnel system from the bar to the blackjack table so I wouldn't miss a single drop of free delicious liquor while gambling away the college funds of any future li'l Humpys.

Yes, if there's one thing I love as much as television, it's my moonshine likker kick-a-poo joy juice. And so you can imagine my surprise when I was lolling about with a couple of whores in my hotel room, slurping down G&Ts and watching Patrick Swayze's Road House, when all of a sudden a commercial for Smirnoff vodka came on the telly!

Now, I would've crapped my pants (if I hadn't already done so earlier in the day), because there hasn't been a commercial for liquor on network television since 1948! And one of the whores asked, "They had television in 1948?" And I said, "You're goddam right they did!" And then the other whore asked, "But aren't there commercials for beer and wine on TV all the time?" And I said, "Yes, but not for hard liquor." And then the first whore asked, "Why not?" and I said, "Boy, you sure do ask a lot of questions for a couple of whores."

And so I explained to them that way back in 1948, when liquor was thought to be evil and not the nectar that drips from the teat of god, Congress and regulatory agencies were this close to shutting the industry down. So in order to quiet the fuddy-duddies, liquor makers agreed to a voluntary ban on all television advertising. And apparently, because network ad sales have been in the shit-can, the voluntary ban has been lifted, and now we're seeing the first liquor commercials in almost 50 years!

And then the second whore said, "Wow... that's really not interesting." And I said, "You know what? You're right. Let's go to the casino and get drunk." And so we did. But! To celebrate the fact that hard liquor ads have returned to television, and to let them know their advertising was working, I polished off three free bottles of Smirnoff and lost $450 at the craps table. Viva Fawking Las Vegas!