Now some of you might be noticing that I am just a tad... ahem... overly enthusiastic in my adulation of Real World N'awleans muffin Danny Roberts. And I am SURE that LEGIONS of Danny-lovers COMPLETELY understand my excitement at having said muffin move to Seattle. Still, there might be one or two sick philistines out there who might be perplexed as to why I am getting my colon all tied in square knots over some token fag from the tired old Real World. Aren't there about a ZILLION cutesy reality TV clones floating around out there? And aren't there TWO ZILLION, well, REAL celebrities who are far more deserving of my affections?
Well, yes and a great big fat fucking NO!!! (And if you EVER suggest that Danny isn't a "real" celebrity again, I am gonna whoop your sad little ass. GOT IT??!) So, for you pathetic little shits who are in need of a crash course, let's see just what sets delicious Danny apart from all the other embarrassing and neurotic homos who have sprung from the fertile soil of the Real World:
First we had Norm from the New York cast back in '92. While Norm was one of the great pioneers of televised queerness, he had all the sex appeal of an old shoe. After Norm came the late great Pedro from San Francisco. Although I had a devastating crush on Pedro, well... we all know how that song ended. Then came that flaming nutcase with the enormous teeth from the Miami cast who thought he was some sort of model, and after him we go fagless until the completely forgettable Hawaii cast, which featured an equally forgettable pug-faced loser named Justin. And then (finally!) we come to DANNY--Danny, WONDERFUL Danny, came like a breath of fresh air to redeem the sins of his homo-brethren; Danny of the shy eyes and soft-spoken Southern demeanor, scrumptious beyond words yet softly troubled and broken in a way that makes me want to HOLD HIM DOWN AND SCREW HIS FUCKING BRAINS OUT.
So what if I've heard the odd rumor that fame's gone to Danny's head and he's become an insufferable prick? And so what if his website, www.dannyandpaul.com, is an exercise in multimedia egomania? I'd still sell my grandma for 10 minutes in a broom closet with the boy. Yes: Danny, above all others, is definitely worthy of my OVERENTHUSIASTIC ADULATION--and I'd better not hear ANYONE say otherwise. GOT IT?