Hello, Seattle kinksters--I'm back. You see, every year I go away to spend a month at a luxurious island fetish resort for the BDSM elite. The main event is a slave auction where gorgeous sex slaves are exhibited and sold to the highest bidder. I buy all of my personal slaves there. Ah, the quivering bound bodies, the crack of the whip....

You don't really believe me, do you? Good. Secret slave auctions are reserved for one-handed novels, and I got bumped because of The Stranger's SIFF coverage. But who cares about SIFF? You want to meet someone kinky without having to traipse off to some godforsaken island.

So let's talk local.

First, go to sexuality.org and click on the "City Guides: Seattle" link. You'll find a diverse list of local erotic happenings. Fetish, swinger, queer, polyamory, sacred sexuality--it's covered.

Many of them are at a place called the Wet Spot. The Wet Spot is a large private club that organizes and hosts sexy events. Memberships start at $15 annually, and you must go through an orientation meeting to join. Do it. It's an epicenter of erotic social life in Seattle: weekly BDSM parties, belly-dancing classes, "Red Hot Words" open-mic nights, kinky Life Drawing classes, book readings, dance parties, the "No Safewords" erotica writers group, Sensuous Massage Night, Polyamory Potlucks, and a ton of other different happenings. If you really want to get into the mix, offer yourself as a volunteer--you meet all the cool people that way. For info, write to inquiries@wetspot.org or call 206-270-9746.

Now, some advice from the Mistress: Be patient and persistent in your attendance of events that interest you. Don't go to one event, one time, and then give up because you didn't get lucky. Some groups take to newcomers more easily than others. Most sexually related events have creepy trench-coat types show up from time to time, so regular attendees usually want to suss out any new folks. Let people see you around a few times. And don't be too pushy. At some events, very overt sexual talk and behavior, between consenting participants, is acceptable and expected: a swinger's party, for example. But there are a lot of sexually related events where strong sexual come-ons or sexual behavior isn't appropriate. Being friendly and flirty with strangers at a book reading or a discussion group is fine, but don't go overboard. At these types of events, it's like they say in the personal ads: "Friends first."