"Hello? Bo Derek? My shopping cart?"

GOD... don't you just HATE that? There you are, squeezing your peaches, when that no-good shopping-cart-hog Bo Derek sneaks up and swipes your cart. It happened just last week to "Please Don't Use My Name," who prefers that I don't use her name. The incident went down like this: "Please Don't Use My Name" was innocently selecting a ripe, golden peach from the Queen Anne Thriftway peach bin, when Bo Derek and herboyfriend-slash-cart-swiping-accomplice, John Corbett, casually maneuvered in, distracted her with Movie Star Cuteness, and made off with her still-empty cart! "But they looked too mellow picking out their produce for me to make a scene," she says.

The cart was never recovered. There should be a law.

The Thriftway Bonnie and Clyde were spotted again late last week, kissing and canoodling on the waterfront, evidently celebrating their shopping-cart coup. According to informant "Mary" (who has no problem with the use of her name), Bo had her legs on John's lap, and he was gently kissing her forehead. Bo reportedly managed to look "very young and good" in a blue tank top and shorts, and John, unsurprisingly, looked "dazzling." (But in a manly way. Did you know he used to be a hairdresser?)

Confidentials: to the girl who wrote about the nude Mark Consuelos pictures I have, I don't have any nude Mark Consuelos pictures! Where did you ever get that idea?; "Ranielle," I think my clever composite version of the Ethan Hawke sightings had spice, don't you?; to "Craig," so sorry; to "Vander," you're welcome; and to everyone else, yes, yes, I've already seen those Internet pictures of Richard Reid. Thanks.

X-Men 2 is filming in Vancouver, BC. Do you know who the director is? Well, it's Brian Singer, that's who, and I keep getting reports from people who claim to have seen this man. So my question is: HOW THE HELL DOES ANYONE EVEN RECOGNIZE HIM? Either he walks around wearing a "Be an Extra in X-Men, Ask Me How!" T-shirt, or young fags grew up masturbating to the Sci-Fi Directors Directory, because PLENTY of people somehow recognized him recently at that new-ish gay bar, Blu. Mr. Singer was reportedly being schmoozed by a whole murder of fags (fags travel in murders, you know), all probably seeking extra parts (and I don't mean in the movie). Among them? The Stranger's Sexiest Boy Barista 2002!

And lastly, attention all Seattle sluts! Three words: John Wesley Harding. Know anything?