Okay. A two-mile-thick cloud of brown toxic death is offing people in South Asia; another one is menacing the sea. A hunk of ice roughly the size of Canada has cracked free from Antarctica and is casually dwindling into continent-drowning floodwaters. Prague has pretty much gone tits up, so has Dresden, and half of everything else is on fire. Bear in mind that I haven't even MENTIONED politics, the economy, dirty bombs, or American Idol. Bunches of people I can no longer publicly acknowledge are trying to score cheap airfare on September 11, and good lord will they EVER catch the lurking pervert who snatched poor little Elizabeth Smart?

Let's talk about Bo Derek.

I was SO like, you know, what-EVER! All these Bo Derek-slash-John Corbett-spotters last week were insisting that Bo is the fresh and radiant picture of Venusian youth and loveliness. Remember now, Bo jiggled sexily down the beach (among other things) in the unbelievably long-ago-seeming movie 10; ergo the woman HAS to be a thousand years old (Dudley Moore was in it, and he's DEAD for godssakes. Rest his soul. Ahem.) Well, I snagged one of Bo's painfully recent pictures from Eonline.com (a.k.a. My Bible) and I'll be DAMNED! She's fricking FLAWLESS! She must live on organic carrots, Brita water, and sleep in a freezer (or there's a very pruney supernatural oil painting of her holed up somewhere), because that woman's fresher than vinegar and water on a breezy summer's eve. I zoomed in like 500 times, and there isn't even the slightest suspicion of tattletale surgery scarage, and she WASN'T WEARING ANY MAKEUP!

She's cybernetic. Has to be.

At least now I'm not NEARLY so bitter that she snagged John Corbett (Mmmmmmm. Scruffy.). The lovebirds were mooning at each other romantically at Cactus Restaurant in Madison Park, and I really wish I could have seen it in person, because it would have been HOT.

Nation on Alert: Arch Nemesis of All Good Things John Curley and his young old lady made an aggressive move toward world domination late last week by BREEDING. AGAIN. Ry Mansfield Curley (all 7.5 squalling pounds of him) will surely rule alongside 11-month-old sister Charlie in their father's hellish New World Order. True comments heard at the birth: "Oh, my god. He's hideous." [LIBEL CHECK!]

Lastly, Moby-spotter "David" spotted Moby. He reports that Moby was walking hand-in-hand with a young woman on University Avenue, near the Varsity Theater. There are no reports yet if Moby and companion were continually panhandled and harassed by nomadic bands of roving crazies while visiting the Ave, but officials fear the worst. Updates as events unfold.