One Classy Pinky

Don't get too disappointed, but there will be no insipid (and they are inevitably insipid) Best and Worst of 2002s or Year-End Celebrity Wrap-Ups or dorky-assed Celebrity Predic-tions for 2003!s or any variations thereof written here. I prefer to avoid wrap-ups of any kind, you understand, and as far as I'm concerned, every glorious nanosecond of 2002 was dripping with unparalleled fabulousness and delight-- barring anything to do with politics, the economy, the environment, and my own personal peace of mind and sense of well-being, naturally. And frankly, I'd rather keep my 101-percent-accurate 2003 celebrity predictions to myself for the time being. Personal reasons.

Except for the one about you know who coming out of the you know what.

And marrying me.

And yes, I'm talking about Nick Carter, Aaron Carter, Justin Timberlake, that kid from Billy Elliot, the Dude... You're Getting a Dell! dude, O-Town, maybe Elijah Wood (but don't quote me on that), every bike messenger everywhere, Ben Affleck, and Matt Damon--and while we're on the subject...

I'm trying hard not to find reports that Matt Damon tried desperately to deflower best buddy Ben's flowering romance with Jennifer Lopez too jaw-droppingly eyebrow-raising. Matt recently did his damnedest to talk Ben out of his and J.Lo's impending shotgun wedding, and a "bitter feud" has ensued.

The future Mr. and Mrs. Lo-Affleck still have every intention of remaining the future Mr. and Mrs. Lo-Affleck; I'm sure this has at least a tiny bit to do with the fact that little Bun-in-the-Oven Lo-Affleck is currently still baking. But the tiff was enough to cause Ben and J.Lo to abandon their original Valentine's Day wedding plans, and they have yet to announce another date. Inside sources report that "[J.Lo] feels like there are three of them in the relationship and is terrified Matt will poison Ben against her"--which, incidentally, gets my vote for Best Quote of 2002. And believe me, you aren't half as confused and titillated about the whole thing as I am. I just better get my damn invitation, that's all.

N.Y.P.D. Blue's Nick Turturro, his gargantuan gold-and-diamond pinky ring, his "pronounced NYC accent," and his "spirited ensemble" of Yankees starter jacket and cap were shopping at DeLaurenti in the Pike Place Market on Christmas Eve, according to "J and J," two industrious star-spotters who confirmed Mr. Turturro's identity by peeking over his shoulder at his Visa card--a move which, incidentally, gets my vote for Ballsiest and Probably Most Borderline-Illegal Celebrity Identification of 2002.

"J and J" report that Mr. Turturro ordered mozzarella and provolone ("imported, of course") and assorted Italian meats, and was accompanied by his wife and two children ("Adorable!"). And that's a wrap!