The String Dance

Let's plunge right in; we have gads to cover. Due to a great cosmic oops, last week's installment was really the installment from the week before and now we've got two weeks of dish to cram into a teeny tiny little column.

Sorry. My fault. Weed and Mexican chicks.

Well, that, and I've been lying low lately--on the "D.L." if ya num sayin'. That retold tale I innocently re-retold about Nick Carter dating Seattle Stormer Sue Bird has for SOME unfathomable reason transformed into a tempest in a teapot in a hornets' nest stuffed with tempest-tossed, teetotalling hornets. Or something. Check out this cheerful communiqué:

"Adrian, Yes, Sue is a friend of Nick's and I sugest [sic] that you drop the subject...."

Egads! A cyber-threat? How scrumptiously Jennifer Love Hewitt! You've seen all the reports about the e-mails Jennifer's been getting from the nice crazy lady, right? "I plan to kill you at the first opportunity" the alleged stalker writes, according to court documents. "This is really a death threat.... She is torturing me. I am in extreme physical pain."

It's Jennifer's new haircut, isn't it?

Just kidding. Jennifer's haircut is no laughing matter.

And LET IT BE KNOWN that Pee-wee Herman AKA Paul Reubens AKA NOT a Kiddie Porn Monger is clearly NOT a kiddie porn monger, JUST LIKE I SAID he wasn't! The fascist feds rooted through every PC and digicam Mr. Reubens owns seeking one itsy scrap of evidence supporting the recent child-pornography charges against him and turned up exactly DIDDLY SQUAT! I hope and pray that Mr. Reubens can rise above these unfair slings and arrows and perhaps don the little red bow tie with pride once again. A world without Pee-wee is like pot without nachos.

"Fucking awesome!" was "Brandon"'s critique of the world-famous "string dance" that Conan O'Brien performed for him upon request at the REI coffee cart last week. "You know... where he pulls his hips up with invisible string." Congruent with every other report of Conan O'Brien in the world ever, "Brandon" recalls him as humongous ("seven feet, no joke"), "nice," and "funny." He reportedly enjoyed his latte and tipped well.

"It was cool!" was "Magellan"'s critique of Maggie Gyllenhaal (Secretary), who was doing nothing so special as a famous string dance while at TNT Espresso on Broadway. She just kinda stood there for a minute to get out of the rain. Her eyes were allegedly "big and blue." She did not tip.