Dreaming of Cream

Recently, I was waiting in a slow-moving line at a drugstore checkout counter. While idly scanning the merchandise next to the register, I saw a small white jar labeled "Dream Cream." The label read: "... specially formulated cream to enhance sexual pleasure for women.... Rub gently on the clitoris and vaginal opening before sex." My goodness. That's not quite what I expect to find next to the chewing gum and magazines--in Ballard, no less--but okay, I'm hip.

The young-guy clerk ringing me up noticed what I had in my hand and paused, blushing slightly. "Um, did you, like, want to buy that?"

Normally I don't fuck with salespeople, but this was just too easy. "Gee, I don't know." I gave him my best sultry porn-slut look. "Do you think I should?"

Well, he couldn't seem to think of an answer to that question, though it was entertaining watching him try. But the line behind me was getting restless, so I put down the jar and left. That's about the most fun I can imagine having with that cream, because I've already tried it, and I wasn't very impressed.

The brand name of the cream I tried was Viacrème (note the Viagra allusion). But Pfizer, the company that makes "Blue Steel," doesn't manufacture a Viagra cream. And whatever their ads may imply, these creams don't contain the same ingredients as Viagra. They're basically lotions that contain arginine, aminophylline, and menthol. As I understand it, they work like this: Aminophylline and arginine both dilate the blood vessels. The menthol acts as a mild irritant and thus draws blood to the place where you've rubbed it (in this case, your clit). Result: Your clit tingles and feels sort of hot and sensitive.

There ain't nothing wrong with that. But $10-$15 for a single-serving packet is a lot to pay for what's essentially toothpaste on speed. That tingly feeling didn't last very long on me--maybe 20 minutes. (Perhaps I should have said toothpaste on cocaine.) And contrary to the hype ("New Sex Cream Gives Women Instant Orgasms!") I didn't notice any difference in my big O. If you've got money to burn and you're curious, you can give it a spin. But rubbing some Aquafresh on your clit will get you similar results, even if it doesn't fluster the store clerk.

matisse@thestranger.com