MONDAY, FEBRUARY 3
The week kicks off with a Hot Tip sent to Last Days the week before, but held till now due to last week's stringent thematic restrictions. (Thanks to all who wrote to express gratitude for last week's "Iraq for Dummies"; it's always a pleasure to hear from you, readers, and it's comforting to know we're not the only E!-addicted escapists in need of remedial news tutoring.) Today's story comes from Hot Tipper Ashley, who was exiting her Capitol Hill apartment on January 29 when she passed a man standing on the building's steps--with his fly down, and his exposed penis spewing urine over the steps and sidewalk. "But the interesting thing was," writes Ashley, "he had his hands in the air, as though he were about to begin a set of jumping jacks. And in each hand, he was holding a can of baked beans." Deep thanks to Ashley for sharing her astonishing sighting, and props to the public urinator gracious enough to execute his assault on common decency in the most entertaining way possible.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 4
It's the most basic fact of life, inspiring terrified denial in some, narcotic comfort in others, and spirituality (or at least superstition) in most: death. To commemorate life's only universal certainty, today Last Days took a stroll through the Seattle Post-Intelligencer's obituaries; the results, as always, were deeply illuminating. Among today's most impressive notices were those belonging to Linda Susan (Esmay) Gannon and Virginia Tabafunda, two Northwest women whose lives came to a close within days of each other in late January/early February. Prior to that, Virginia Tabafunda was born in 1924 in New Westminster, BC, and spent the majority of her 78 years on Bainbridge Island, where she enjoyed attending church, playing bingo, making yarn, traveling to Canada and Montana, and cultivating her talent for the astrological arts. Meanwhile, Linda Susan (Esmay) Gannon was born in 1948 in Bellevue, WA, growing up to become an avid collector of Star Trek memorabilia, a rose gardener, and a passionate lover of horses, cats, and Harleys. (Before she became ill in 2001, Linda and her husband took "a much-anticipated three-week tour to Sturgis, South Dakota on their Harley.") Linda passed away after "a long and courageous fight against complications following a liver and kidney transplant," and is survived by her "devoted husband of 20 years," three siblings and their spouses, a niece and grandnephew, and "all of Marysville." Meanwhile, Mrs. Tabafunda died of natural causes exactly 15 days after the death of her lifelong husband, and is survived by three sons, six daughters, 29 grandchildren, and 26 great-grandchildren.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 5
After months of conspicuously unsubstantiated references to links between Iraq and al Qaeda, today the U.S. government, via Secretary of State Colin Powell, finally offered some proof of the connection between the United States' twin nemeses. Addressing the UN Security Council this morning, Powell offered an array of evidence--from recorded phone conversations between conspiring Iraqi officials to satellite images of Iraqi weapons plants being carefully cleaned up for UN inspectors--hoping to convince skeptical council members of Iraq's unapologetic failure to comply with UN resolutions. (Creepiest bit of info: Saddam's alleged warning to Iraqi scientists of the "serious consequences" that would befall anyone providing "sensitive" information to UN inspectors.) Powell also blasted Iraq for giving safe haven to al Qaeda terrorists, asserting that an al Qaeda terrorist network has been functioning freely in Iraq for more than eight months. Which means: It's gonna be war.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 6
Tonight Last Days died and went to Heaven, as ABC devoted three consecutive prime-time hours to the mind-blowing, soul-expanding tragedy that is Michael Jackson. First up was 20/20's broadcast of Living with Michael Jackson, British journalist Martin Bashir's amazingly privileged glimpse into the weird-as-shit world of the nominal King of Pop, which quickly revealed itself to be two hours of television we've waited our entire lives to see. From Jacko's twitchy $6 million shopping spree in Vegas to his unabashed adoration for his boy-friend du jour (a 13-year-old former cancer victim with whom Jackson held hands for the duration of their time on camera), Bashir's special was a squirmy, torturous delight. Even better, ABC followed with a special Primetime Live, featuring a number of plastic surgeons making mincemeat of Jacko's hand-on-the-Bible claim of having had only two plastic surgeries in his life. "I will say again that I have never, and would never, harm a child," said Jackson in response to the special. Unfortunately, what tonight's special proved beyond all doubt is Michael Jackson's inability to know what constitutes "harm" in regard to children, and 50 bucks says Jackson will be childless and suicidal before autumn.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 7
Nothing happened today (unless you count the spiking of the U.S. government's terror warning from yellow to orange, with "newly acquired intelligence" indicating a high risk of attacks by al Qaeda guerrillas on U.S. targets at home and abroad. Interviewed on tonight's Nightline, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge said that on a scale of one to 10, the threat of a major terror attack against the United States in the next three weeks was "perhaps the equivalent of an eight").

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 8
Speaking of hideous nightmares come to life, today brings a public grooming episode so brazen in its execution we thought nothing of overriding our long-standing ban to tell you all about it. Today's tale comes from the cafeteria of Seattle University, where student Victor was eating breakfast on the morning of January 28. Before long, the seat next to him was taken by a female student who quickly drew Victor's attention by pulling out a hand-sized mirror. "First, she tweezed her eyebrows. Next, she used micro-scissors to trim her nose hair. Finally, she applied shaving cream and used a safety razor on her upper brow! I sympathize with this woman for being born two bananas short of a primate," writes Victor, "but haven't we all learned the lesson about public grooming? Ick."

Confidential to Kurt the home-service worker: Lost your number, would love to hear your stories. Write 'em down and send 'em to lastdays@thestranger.com. Everyone else, send Hot Tips.