I get some strange telephone calls.
I don't mean potential clients. That's a book in itself. I mean people who "just want to ask a question." Sometimes they're simple. "What's that kinky book with an initial in the title?" "Are there any BDSM clubs in San Francisco?" "How do I find a kink-friendly lawyer?"
Provided people don't try to keep me on the phone very long, I don't mind answering them: "Story of O." "Yes, the Power Exchange." "Drop me an e-mail and I'll send you some names."
What I hate are the calls I get from people trying to involve me in their personal dramas. Yes, really. They have some bizarre notion that a total stranger--me!--would be interested in hearing about, and commenting on, their dirty linen. They've been watching too much "reality TV" and trashy talk shows.
Well, fuhgetaboutit, honey. Yes, I write this column and teach BDSM classes. But I'm not the fetish community's Judge Judy. (Especially not for free--Jerry Springer and his ilk get paid, remember?) Example: Submissive man calls me up and pours out a sad story about a scene gone wrong. His limits and safeword weren't respected. He's not injured, but he's terribly upset with his mistress. What's my advice?
The story's plausible enough, but something about this guy sets off my bullshit detector. So I give him the abridged pep talk about honoring his feelings and processing with his partner, and say goodbye. But I have a feeling I haven't heard the last of this. Sure enough, next day, the phone rings. It's Act II. "This is Mistress X, and I'm outraged! My submissive told me you said I was a bad mistress and that he shouldn't play with me. How dare you say such a thing, blah blah...."
Jesus, I need a 1-900 line for this shit. Mistress X and I go through a round of what I actually said versus what he told her I said, interspersed with her stories about his rudeness and ingratitude. But I'm out of patience. "Look," I say. "I don't know you. I don't know your boy. I don't know who's right or wrong and I don't care. Why the hell are either of you calling me at all? Why don't you go on Ricki Lake or something?"
She is silent for a moment. "Do you have their producer's phone number?"
