Jacko to Jack

Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson--yes, goddammit... MICHAEL JACKSON!

There. I think that got it out of my system.

Besides, I defy you (defy, I say!) to give me one good reason we should still be talking about that (goddamned) Michael Jackson interview. There are scads of far more interesting and (for goodness sakes) noble things to discuss. For instance? Well, do you know how many people out there don't know that their very own semen makes the very best eye cream in the universe?

Far too many, my friend.

And do you have any clue how many people correctly guessed the scrumptiously alluded to but never actually identified identity of the fitness-guru-cum-crazy-lady who's been terrorizing local hotels and salons lately with her pink weaves and scandalous crazying about? Not what I'd call far too many (my friend), but, yes, indeed, tons.

And do you know how many people also correctly guessed the identity of the local reality-TV celebutante who's getting sauced, getting saucy, and brushing with the law? Absolutely none, because everyone thought it was Danny Roberts and it wasn't. Danny has been as sober as can be expected, as cute as a fucking pickle, and doing heroic stuff like that "celebrity barista" coffee gig last weekend at Zoka in Wallingford for some charity called Coffee Kids, which I guess benefits kids addicted to caffeine. I don't know. (Look for yourself--I'm far too busy not watching the Grammys: www.coffeekids.org.) This week, Danny's in New York. He owes me 40 bucks.

Moving along...

Apologizing is tacky. Which is why Sean Hayes will never hear an "I'm sorry" out of me, even though he "Just Jacked" his fabulous way into my heart long after I published some egotistical crap about boycotting Will & Grace for various reasons that were forced upon me by a rogue fascist arm of the international homosexual agenda that don't bear repeating here. But I'm sure Sean will be giddy as a priest in a preschool to hear that he was recalled as looking quite "cute," "thin," and "really young" when spotted breakfasting recently at The Dish, and that's as much of an olive branch as I can offer at this stage in my emotional development. (And that I made up the "cute" and "really young" parts. But we both already know that you're cute and really young, don't we, Sean? Of course we do.)