I was at my desk today, reading a friendly e-mail from a rather attractive acquaintance of mine. It's clear that he thinks I'm pretty cool, too, and I thought--not for the first time--I should pursue this. He's very sexy.
Then I looked at the nightmare that is my calendar, and remembered all the e-mails and phone calls I haven't returned, and all the projects I'm involved in, and thought, Yeah, sure, Matisse, pursue it. You've got plenty of time for a new relationship, don't you?
The truth is, my polyamory is more theory than action lately, and some of it has to do with logistics. I adore Max, and neither of us wants to give up any of our time together. All of my various careers have kicked into a higher gear recently, I have friends and family who want my attention, and there is that small matter of getting eight hours of sleep a night. So while I'd like to add a secondary romantic relationship to my life--I just don't have a lot of time.
Oh, I have time for a weekly date. But... it's not always that simple. Even with good intentions all around, other people's emotions don't always stay neatly within the boundaries you assign them. I've experienced that firsthand, and a glance at the lives of some of my poly-practicing friends assures me that my experience isn't unique. Someone's smile, timbre of voice, or way of movement may go straight to my crotch. The person's mind might beguile me with its unexplored paths. But when I seriously consider going down one of those paths, the Homeland Security Department of my heart pops up with video highlights of the energy-sucking trauma-drama certain past lovers have brought to my door. That's what I don't have time for. I'm not saying poly love inevitably leads to hours of tense processing, couples-therapy sessions, or having one's locks rekeyed. And I admit, I've got a little baggage here. But still, you can't predict or control where people's emotions will take them. For a girl who digs control like I do, that's tough to get over.
So if you're one of the two or three people who might reasonably suppose I think you're hot: No, you are not just imagining it. I am attracted to you. I'm just not sure if I can fit you into my schedule.
