So where were we? Ah. Justin Timberlake. Indeed. But before we get to that, let's get to something else. It begins with a shocking confession.

"So, I call her a 'trite fucking cunt,'" boasts "the perp." "I grab my crotch and I tell her I have her jagged little pill right here. She throws down her cigarette, says 'That's it!' and throws a swing at me. I dodge it, kick her in the leg, and she crumples, just as some big black dude comes peeking out the door. I run like a little girl down to Pike Place Market, losing the dude in the crowd."

Witnesses corroborate this heinous report with this other heinous report, reported by witness "Roxy": "I was doing some shopping at the Pike Place Market this afternoon," explains "Roxy." "This kid in a denim jacket ran past me, followed by a big black security guard. A minute or so later the guard came back, and I asked him what the kid did. He grinned slightly and said, 'He kicked Alanis Morissette in the shins!' and then he walked back in the direction of the Showbox."

I had no idea Alanis Morissette smoked.

Okay, so, before we get to Justin Timberlake, let me say how empowered I feel by the large outpouring of agreeing with me that's resulted from my deep dislike of Colin Quinn. My new favorite reader, "MJ," writes, "Why Comedy Central insists on giving him a job is beyond me. Maybe we should start a 'Colin Quinn Sucks' club and get him booted off the air."

Fabulous! I get to be treasurer!

Know who else possibly smokes? Who's surprising? (Besides Britney Spears--and we're not talking tobacco, anyway.) Here's a hint: The surprising possible smoker of not-tobacco is famous for his gentle, spirited European travel guides, PBS tourist programs, and careless, tornado-tossed, straw-colored Bill Gates hair. And he's from Edmonds. And his name is Rick Steves. And he sits on the advisory board of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws ( Guessed it yet?

And he was always so prissy about Amsterdam. I had no idea. And I thought he was, like, Mormon or something. And you'll never guess who else is on NORML's advisory board. Willie Nelson. No kidding.

And you'll never guess who I think is gay.