MONDAY, MAY 19

The week begins with a freakish attack from the suburbs of Washington, D.C., where today a young woman was jailed on charges of felony assault after allegedly terrorizing a toddler who spilled ice cream on her in a fast-food restaurant. Reuters reports that the alleged assailant--18-year-old Malika Hayes--responded to a four-year-old boy's ice-cream spill by shouting obscenities at the child and his grandmother, chasing the boy around the restaurant, and rubbing hot French fries in his face. After fleeing the scene, Malika Hayes was arrested and booked in a Maryland jail on charges that could land the angry young miss up to 25 years in prison.

··Speaking of freakish attacks: This morning at Lacey, New Jersey's Popcorn Park Zoo, zookeepers were horrified to find eight exotic large birds--four Peking ducks, two emus, and two rheas (like ostriches, only smaller and with three toes instead of two)--beaten to death with a variety of blunt objects, including a fiberglass shovel, a rake, and a PVC pipe, which authorities found broken and scattered over the zoo grounds. Police believe the attack occurred sometime late Sunday or early Monday, but have yet to name any suspects. "Eight birds had to be killed over somebody's aggression, sickness, stupidity?" said zookeeper Bill Waters to the Associated Press. "The person that did this should be caught and locked up for the rest of their lives." ··Meanwhile in Denmark: Today the director of the Trapholt Art Museum was found not guilty of charges of animal cruelty, brought by animal-rights activists in response to an art exhibit featuring live goldfish displayed inside working blenders. Installed by Marco Evaristti, the exhibit invited visitors to turn on the blenders if they were so inspired. In early 2000, someone did, resulting in the deaths of two goldfish and the trial of museum director Peter Meyer, who was brought to court after refusing to pay a $315 fine for animal cruelty. The Associated Press reports that during Meyer's two-day trial, both a zoologist and a representative of blender manufacturer Moulinex testified that the fish-blending wasn't cruel, as the fish likely died within one second of the blender being started. Judge Preben Bagger agreed, and Peter Meyer was cleared of all charges.

··Finally, here's a bit of news that involves neither the blending of fish, the clubbing of emus, nor the rubbing of French fries in a toddler's face: Tonight in New York City, Seattle's very own Garfield High School Jazz Ensemble claimed first place in Lincoln Center's annual Essentially Ellington competition.

TUESDAY, MAY 20

Following yesterday's cavalcade of news comes today's singular story on the creepy arrest of actor Scott Bairstow. Best known as the guy who beat Neve Campbell like a rug on Party of Five, Bairstow was today charged with second-degree rape of a child, following allegations that the 33-year-old actor seduced and repeatedly had sex with a 12-year- old relative of his wife. According to the Associated Press, Bairstow allegedly began having sex with his wife's 12-year-old female relative in 1998, and continued the "affair" off and on through the summer of 2001. Court documents claim that Bairstow resumed calling the girl (who resides in Washington's own Mukilteo) earlier this year, asking the now 17-year-old girl to have phone sex and "to tell him that she was a little girl." (Blet, blet, and blet.) The girl complained, authorities moved in, and Bairstow was soon caught on tape making excessively creepy overtures. During the taped conversation, the girl told Bairstow that she was considering telling someone about their sexual involvement, inspiring Bairstow to reply, "Well, I'm a dad and I've got a job, and if you were to tell anyone, I'd be thrown in jail for 10 years." (Boing.) Bairstow's arraignment is scheduled for June 3 in Snohomish Superior Court.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 21

Speaking of people who should be kept away from children: Michael Jackson made fresh headlines today by bursting into the office of his local congressman wearing a Spider-Man mask to complain about the lack of fast-food restaurants near Neverland Ranch.* Ananova News offered details on Jackson's unannounced visit to the Solvang, CA, offices of U.S. Representative Elton Gallegly, where the mentally deposed King of Pop was disappointed to learn that the only eatery in Solvang--a quaint town 140 miles north of L.A.--is a Subway sandwich shop. No explanation was given for Jackson's Spider-Man mask, but his desire for easy-access fast food is apparent. (When you're dealing with kids, Happy Meals are the next best thing to Rohypnol.)

* This is true. If Last Days could make up shit this good, we'd be working for the New York Times.

THURSDAY, MAY 22

For the past two weeks, Last Days has devoted a fair amount of words to public sightings of the Human Scab, the incessantly wounded, potentially smack-addled man repeatedly seen weaving his bloody way around Capitol Hill. This week brings a plethora of new reports, from an irritated barista's account of the Scabman's merciless smearing of "blood and tissue matter" over the bathroom walls of a Broadway coffeehouse, to Seattle Post-Intelligencer writer D. Parvaz's report of spotting the man downtown, where he approached a woman with a baby and inquired if she had any Vaseline for his neck wound. The week also brought more than one complaint from readers galled at Last Days' cruelty in drawing attention to the injured man, adding further distress to what is already an obviously tragic life. To those who would take exception to our coverage of the Human Scab: We are not announcing open season on citizens with eczema, facial palsies, or oppressive moles. We're reporting the whereabouts of a man who is, at best, a grisly bit of ambulatory public art, and at worst, a personal tragedy turned public health hazard. So please save your wrath for worthier targets. (While we're dishing out advice, Last Days would like to advise George W. Bush to continue his progressively ostentatious blurring of church and state [ensuring that even moderate Republicans will be loath to reelect such a shameless Godhead], and encourage Madonna to reissue The Immaculate Collection with "Burning Up" and "Dress You Up" in place of "Crazy for You" and "La Isla Bonita.")

FRIDAY, MAY 23

The winds of irony blew hard and heavy today as New York Post's Page Six reported the saga of Richard Thompson, the CEO of Meow Mix, who was attacked last week in Manhattan's Upper East Side by a rottweiler. "The dog attacked me from behind and ripped my pants," said good-sport Thompson to Page Six, admitting that the semi-vicious attack (for which Thompson filed a police report) left the cat-food magnate with "a gauze butt the size of a basketball."

SATURDAY, MAY 24

Nothing happened today.

SUNDAY, MAY 25

The week ends with the births of two great writers--short-story master Raymond Carver (born this day in 1938) and short-story-in-song master Tom T. Hall (1936)--and the deaths of two semi-great sitcom stars--Vic Tayback, the grits-kissing "Mel" on Alice, who died in 1990, and Nancy Walker, mother of Rhoda, spokeswoman for Bounty, and director of the Bruce Jenner/Village People film Can't Stop the Music**, who died in 1992.

** Ibid.

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