Pumped and Screwy

So, anyway, A. Birch Steen, ombudsman, was sucking my big gay dick the other day, and as his pointy little head bobbed up and down, up and down, I thought to myself....

Oh, never mind.

But I will tell you what I thought when I vaguely kind of heard somewhere that Arnold Schwarzenegger had political aspirations of some sort. I thought, how novel! How quaint! And when I heard that Arnold's political aspirations were the sort that runs on the Republican ticket? In California? I thought, holy shit, that gigantic Austrian turd is dumb enough to actually win. And when I heard that he traveled to Iraq on the Fourth of July and addressed invading U.S. forces with, "First of all, congratulations for saying, 'Hasta la vista, baby,' to Saddam Hussein," and equally as stultifying, "I came here from the United States because I wanted to 'pump you all up'..." I thought, wow, what a phenomenal asshole.

But suddenly, everything made perfect sense.

"I look forward to the opportunity to have the world come to know the real Jennifer Lopez. I will defend myself against these lies... I will march forward." You'd think someone like Matt Damon said that, now wouldn't you? But it was only J.Lo's manager, who she's suing for a million capricious and catty reasons that we won't go into, so it's not nearly so juicy. But if someone like Matt Damon had said it....

And if I told you that some spooky celebrity claims to be--at this very moment, maybe!--conversing with Janis Joplin, who is of course conversing back from beyond the grave, you'd think it was Shirley MacLaine, or some freak like Rose McGowan or Fairuza Balk, right? And if I said that the spooky celebrity in question has been signed to play Joplin in an upcoming film, and claims to be consulting Joplin posthumously via dreams and the occasional vision, and that a close source claims that the spooky celebrity in question "[said] that when she sings a Joplin song, it's really Joplin's voice she's using, coming right out of her mouth... it's quite a chilling experience," you'd probably think, "Well, whoever that screwy bitch is, it sure isn't Academy Award-winner Renée Zellweger, that's for sure!", right? Right?

Is that your final answer?