Teachers, Mutants, Dead

Now, everyone understands that a forgivable little squdge of exaggeration is de rigueur, even downright salubrious, when speaking of célébrité. Yet I feel compelled to point out that Renée Zellweger is NOT an Oscar winner, like I rather apocryphally made the fuck up last week. Not a bit. (Hear me, ye gods, she is NOT!) At this point she's just a close-but-cigarless Oscar nominee; a starry-eyed ingénue with a hill of moxie and a bigger hill of dreams--but a completely different Academy Award-not-having animal than, say, Catherine Zeta-Jones, who actually won the damn thing. But you have to trust me: Renée actually does think she's taking acting lessons from the ghost of Janis Joplin. That was gospel. Allegedly.

Boo.

And no, that wasn't an apology. I never apologize. Or wear underwear.

While we're cleaning the closets: I'm probably not sorry, "Andy," but the undeniable fact that Trey Parker looks plainly Jewish and I plainly said so does not make me anti-Semitic. I am not anti-Semitic. I'm anti-semantic. It's a totally different club. (I'm also trans-vernacular, and multi-syntaxual.) Some of my best Semites are Semitic! Besides, Trey Parker couldn't look more Jewish if he were lost in a kosher desert with Hebrew National hot dogs dangling from his big Jewish-looking earlobes and spinning dreidel, dreidel, dreidels for 40 years or something. Don't kill the messenger.

Moses was a messenger.

What the hell were we talking about? Oh yeah. You're damn right I think the deranged pig fuckers who had the comic-geek gall to resurrect Princess Diana as an undead mutant in an upcoming X-Men comic offshoot with the storyline entitled "Di Another Day" should be, themselves, drawn, quartered, and hoist by their own Picard. "Everyone's favorite royal, Princess Diana, is back from the dead and on her comeback tour... [and] she looks great in Spandex!" says Marvel Comics, and I think I just barfed.

Yep. I barfed, all right.

And what do Britney Spears and a certain devastatingly gorgeous celebrity columnist have in common? We were both probably lying when we said we were virgins, and we are both probably lying when we admit that we were lying when we said we were virgins because we secretly slept with Justin Timberlake. And what do Cameron Diaz and a certain devastatingly gorgeous yada yada (that's Jewish for "celebrity columnist") have in common? Well, neither of us is fucking Justin Timberlake, that's for damn sure. But what's the difference between Cameron Diaz, Britney Spears, and you know who?

Your guess is as good as mine, cowboy.

adrian@thestranger.com