MONDAY, JULY 14
The week got off to an accidentally tragic and existentially depressing start this morning in Park City, Kansas, where 22-month-old Alyssa Dillman and her four-year-old brother were dropped off by their father at the home of their uncle. According to the Associated Press, the dad drove away in another vehicle without notifying the uncle, and the four-year-old boy left his sister in the car and went inside the uncle's mobile home, where he answered questions of "Where's your sister?" by telling relatives she was "sleeping," leading family members to assume the little girl had stayed at home. The truth wasn't discovered until seven hours later, when the kids' mom came by and found Alyssa still in the car. An ambulance rushed Alyssa to a nearby hospital, where she was pronounced dead. According to Sedgwick County authorities, the day's high temperature was 109 degrees, with the temperature inside the car hitting 142 degrees. No charges have been filed.
·· In other embarrassing news for God: Today tubby televangelist Pat Robertson launched "Operation Supreme Court Freedom," a 21-day "prayer offensive" urging God to get rid of three liberal Supreme Court justices. "We ask for miracles in regard to the Supreme Court," beseeched Robertson on today's broadcast of The 700 Club, while the Christian Broadcast Network website posted a Robertson letter, denouncing the Supreme Court's recent decriminalization of same-sex sex, and seemingly placing the heavenly hit on three justices in particular: "One justice is 83 years old, another has cancer and another has a heart condition. Would it not be possible for God to put it in the minds of these three judges that the time has come to retire?" News agencies quickly identified two of Robertson's intended prayer victims: Justice John Paul Stevens, born in 1920, and Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who had colon cancer surgery in 1999; the identity of the third justice remains unclear. On Thursday, Robertson will deny he was targeting anyone in particular. "I don't care which three, I mean as long as the three conservatives stay on," said Robertson to the Associated Press. "I'm not telling God what to do. I'm just saying, 'Lord, help us.'"
TUESDAY, JULY 15
Speaking of the negligible help of the Lord: Today a family in Santa Fe, NM, went public with their lawsuit against their local Catholic church, claiming a priest spiced up a funeral Mass by denouncing the newly deceased as a half-assed Catholic going straight to Hell. According to court papers filed last month by the family of Ben Martinez--a former town councilman who died at the age of 80 in June--Martinez's funeral was ruined by Rev. Scott Mansfield, who allegedly claimed that Ben Martinez had been "living in sin" and "lukewarm in his faith," and that "the Lord vomited people like Ben out of his mouth to Hell." Family members told Reuters that Ben Martinez was a practicing Catholic all his life, but was too ill to attend church in the last year of his life; nine members of the Martinez family are now seeking punitive and compensatory damages for "severe emotional and physical suffering" caused by Father Mansfield's unholy outbursts. Both the archdiocese and Father Mansfield have denied the allegations; meanwhile the potentially Tourette's-ridden Father Mansfield has been moved to a parish outside of Albuquerque on a "routine transfer."
WEDNESDAY, JULY 16
In much better news for everyone, today brought the network television debut of Northern State, the smashingly brilliant new hiphop trio that was featured in the wee hours this morning on Last Call with Carson Daly. As you've probably read, Northern State consists of three young women from Long Island, each sporting white skin, a liberal-arts-educated brain, and, against all odds, hilariously deft rhyming skills. Later this week, the band's significance will be cemented by a violently negative review on music website Pitchforkmedia .com, but don't let the projections of hysterical prigs scare you away from the best thing to happen at the intersection of entertainment and feminism since Roseanne (or maybe the first Le Tigre record). To quote lead MC Hesta Prynn: "The world's getting ugly and there's more in store, but don't blame me 'cause I voted for Gore/Keep choice legal, your wardrobe regal, Chekhov wrote The Seagull, and Snoopy is a beagle."
·· In much worse news: This afternoon in Santa Monica, an 86-year-old motorist drove his Buick through a crowded street market, killing 10 people (including a two-year-old girl) and injuring 40 more (13 of them critically). According to reports, driver Russell Weller was traveling at 60 mph when he plowed through the packed farmers' market; in his statement to police, Weller told officers he couldn't stop, and that he possibly hit the gas instead of the brakes. Initial tests found no alcohol or psychoactive drugs in Weller's system, leaving police to choose between homicide charges, negligent-homicide charges, or simply leaving this accidental mass murderer to his own tortured conscience.
THURSDAY, JULY 17
Nothing happened today (unless you count NBC's hour-long primetime infomercial on the magic and mystery of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, hosted by a "special guest journalist" on loan from Access Holly-wood. Dear Pat Robertson: Please launch a prayer offensive urging God to rid the world of the stunning collective smarm of J.Lo and B.Aff, pronto).
FRIDAY, JULY 18
It's official: Naked is the new clothed. Following last week's command performance by the hirsute Westlake nudist (who, for the record, is too regular in his appearances and too respectful of traffic signals to be viewed as a mental defective deserving only pity, as one reader angrily suggested) comes today's story of Joseph Tremato, who eluded police at Harborview Medical Center by racing out of the hospital stark naked. The Seattle Times reports that the 33-year-old had been taken to Harborview for injuries suffered during a Wednesday police chase, during which Tremato--an alleged check forger--was struck by a patrol car. Around 8:30 this morning, a King County sheriff's deputy removed Tremato's handcuffs so he could make a phone call, inspiring the wily criminal to slough off his hospital gown and race out of the hospital in the buff. Deputies believe he ran to a nearby apartment building, where he confronted two elderly men and took some of their clothes. Police have identified the still-wanted Tremato as 6 feet tall, 150 pounds, with a shaved head and a number of conspicuous tattoos, including a smoking man on his right shoulder, a Viking in the middle of his back, and, most helpfully, the word "TREMATO" between his shoulder blades. Officials told the Times that Tremato's last known address was an apartment in Bellevue, and identified the excessively skinny-and-tattooed man's regular hangouts as Aurora Avenue North, the Broadway area of Capitol Hill, and Gas Works Park (AKA the Axis of Smack).
SATURDAY, JULY 19
Nothing happened today (unless you count the Recording Industry Association of America's proud reports of serving subpoenas to U.S. citizens at the rate of 75 a day for the crime of music file-sharing).
SUNDAY, JULY 20
Nothing happened today.
Attention possessors of talent: August 2 and 3 bring auditions for Pizzazz!, The Stranger's fourth annual citywide talent show, taking place on the glamorous Bagley Wright stage at Bumbershoot. To schedule your audition, call 323-7101 ext. 3099.
