Theory number one: Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore's relationship is an ingenious hoax, cleverly engineered for Ashton's hidden-camera MTV show, Punk'd, and the secret will be revealed just as soon as Bruce Willis gets around to kicking the crap out of him.
Theory number two: The cop who pulled Madonna over last week (she and her driver were caught sans seatbelts) has been sufficiently blessed to have escaped any and all exposure to Madonna's eye-wateringly whiny and infinitely embarrassing songs "Hollywood" and "American Life," as he let her off with the merest of coply spankings instead of dragging her from the vehicle by her ankles and tossing her head-first into oncoming traffic, like an unwanted midget. And then shooting the driver too--you know, for good measure (just a leg or shoulder). Then going out for one of those, you know, satisfying double lattes or something.
(Please note: The opinions expressed above don't necessarily disagree or not agree with the opinions of me, who just expressed them, and they shouldn't dissuade Madonna from inviting the abovementioned "me" to parties and junk. Thank you.)
Theory number three: That fluffy eunuch from Coldplay... what? Chris Martin? Right? Gwyneth Paltrow's boyfriend or whatever? Well, I theorize that Chris or whatever threw a hissy fit (which I'll bet both the farm and the farmer was very girly) that included (girly) rock-throwing and the (girly, girly) letting-of-air from some poor paparazzo's tires after he caught the guy snapping pictures of him surfing on Australia's Gold Coast (which isn't really all that girly, actually) NOT because attacking the paparazzi is sexy and he wanted to impress his (pardon the expression) girlfriend, but because his swimsuit made his butt look chunky.
And, somewhere, Sean Penn and Tommy Lee are laughing their bad, bad asses off. Prison, maybe.
Theory four: Neve Campbell was spotted shopping at the Pacific Place Benetton and Victoria's Secret stores last week because she's a complex personality with myriad aesthetic sensibilities, yet no taste; she was spotted at Sea-Tac because she either just flew into town, was just flying out of town, or had some other neither-flying-into-nor-out-of-town airport-related business; and she was at the Elliott Grand Hyatt Hotel's Reini spa getting a bikini wax for her upcoming Tahitian vacation. So if any psychos are sniffing around for her whereabouts, there you go.
Theory five: This report, of Alex Borstein (Mad TV) and Jackson Douglas (Gilmore Girls) partying at a Re-bar show called Cabaret Atomique, is the very last one.
Told you.
