Billionaires Need Love, Too!

I think it's time to stop pooh-poohing the rich. Think about it! Next to the hillbilly, nobody gets pooh-poohed more than the average billionaire. "Oh, look at the rich person! She's stupid, shallow, and mean." Or: "Hey, that rich person just tore down the local community center and put up a condominium. Let's pooh-pooh him!" Does this sound fair? NOT IF YOU'RE THE RICH PERSON!

And while I certainly don't think we should stop making fun of the hillbilly, I do feel that rich people get the short end of the golden, jewel-encrusted scepter. Now, just to be clear, I am not wealthy. I earn just enough money to keep myself in booze, coke, and prostitutes. However, if I didn't steal my cable television, I'd have to cut out the prostitutes entirely!

My point is this: Apparently, rich people have feelings, too. In fact, they're not entirely dissimilar from people like you and me. They need oxygen to breathe. They yearn for the warmth and comfort of a loved one. They enjoy the Champagne Room at Cheetah's strip club in Las Vegas. The only difference is they BOUGHT Cheetah's. And if they need love they can PURCHASE it. And if they could buy all the oxygen in the world, they would--and then SELL it back to you at a 25 percent markup.

And if you had their money? SO WOULD YOU. Because life is for livin', money is for spendin', and booty is for porkin'. And that's the truth! Pbthhbpbbthhhh!

Now that we're all in agreement that rich people are the coolest, I'd like to direct your attention to a new show on MTV entitled Rich Girls (Tuesdays, 10:30 p.m.). This reality program follows the adventures of two Manhattan debutantes who do everything together--including shopping, shopping... and, if they have enough time, perhaps a little shopping. How can they afford to do all this shopping? Because they're ass-nasty RICH!$$!

Rich Girls stars Jaime Gleicher (whose father founded Innovation Luggage) and Ally Hilfiger (whose daddy, Tommy, created the ridiculous-looking but incredibly lucrative clothing line). As previously mentioned, they do a lot of shopping--but that's not all! They also ride around in their limousine fretting about the same kinds of things we do: where to find a suitable dress for prom, and who we're going to let pop our cherry.

But here's the best thing about this reality show: Ally and Jaime are the executive producers! Normally, people who go on reality programs have absolutely NO control over the way they're portrayed. Why? Because they're POOR and GREEDY. In effect these two gals have beaten the system by buying their own personalized TV show! So while they're guaranteed to look rich, they'll also look beautiful and magnanimous. And why not? It's their freaking show!

So as you can see, it is IMPOSSIBLE to playa hate on these two teenage moneybags, because they have a higher calling. They are dead set on convincing you that "rich people have feelings, too."

And if they don't have feelings, they can just run out and buy some.