So the big question on my mind is: When I think I called somebody something like (and I might quote me) "an allegedly pugilistic, prissy, pruny old fairy man" last week, was I referring to David or was I talking about Liza?

We'll get to that in a minute.

Whatever the case, it's clear that unless it's all a terrible web of lies that we'll never get to the bottom of, dammit, Reese Witherspoon really has birthed a son to Ryan Phillippe. They've called the little poppet Deacon (is that not fucking darling? Like a little priest or something), and he should be available for dating 'round this time, 2021. I've circled the date(s) in red. Unless he turns out looking like an Osbourne, naturally. But what are the chances?

And of course I think Courtney Love should keep Frances Bean. She needs somebody to hold her head while she's puking.

Did that sound bitchy? Be honest.

I'm moderately anxious in reporting that Michael Jackson has been accused of diverting charity funds raised for families of 9/11 victims to the Church of Scientology. The Scientologists cannot take a joke, have wicked lawyers, and know how to use them, however.

So let's skip it.

They also have Kirstie Alley and John Travolta, let's not recall, please. No word, however, on whether the Scientologists know how to use them.

And the Daily Mirror told me. Sue those guys.

And people are tiptoeing around like they have no clue where to find the crazy underwear freak who tiptoed first into Halle Berry's house and then through her underwear drawer, perhaps even purloining unspecific pairs of Halle's pricey panties ("I don't know how much I had, so I'm not sure what was taken," she said or something, making me not feel all that bad about it really). Exactly. On eBay.

And that studdedest of Seattle stars, the much-absent-lately Dave Matthews, has finally resurfaced, spotted recently taking in the Henry Art Gallery--coincidentally, at the exact same time, almost, as the oft-spotted Alan Cumming, who was there making smoochie with his equally oft-spotted and allegedly "cute" male companion (or "manpanion"), and who were, of course, "totally kissing and everything." "If you want, you can visit the Henry and we'll show you exactly where they were sucking face," offers witness "Horrace."

Be there in a minute.