And the other news guy grinned....
That's how it happened, according to some guy. He wrote asking if Leslie Miller was aware that we were all aware that she ain't got no ears--a frequently reported issue here. "I was watching the 10:00 p.m. news," he writes, "and Leslie read aloud a study of what people would change about themselves or partners. On the list was ears... and she put this playful sounding emphasis on the word, making the other news guy kinda grin. Does she know?"
Well, Some Guy, yes, yes she does. So does that other news guy, apparently.
Provocative.
"Dear Adrian," this other lady writes, "Is Tim Burton in town that you've heard of? Somebody looking exactly like him was in the Queen Anne Pasta & Co. !"
Dear Lady, No idea! Sorry! Mmm, pasta!
Jennifer Lopez gave the $325,000 Rolls that Ben Affleck bought her for her birthday back to him because it holds "too many painful memories." You know... skanky panties tucked in the paneled glove compartment, come stains on the Corinthian leather.
Matt Damon's skanky panties, I bet.
But the deeper issue with that Leslie Miller? Well, I hear Leslie so fears salacious rumors flying around that she packs up those invisible ears of hers and flies the fuck out of town whenever she's overcome by the understandable urge to act like a huge drunken wh--well, basically, to act like me. Anonymously, you understand. Or at least that's the opinion of my marginally okay authority. In any event, it kicks the crap out of those ear rumors. Trying to get excited about Leslie Miller's ears is like trying to snort a ten-inch line of "K" off a seven-inch dick.
And of course I wept when Celebrity Justice told me that Kobe Bryant was allegedly caught at Portland's lush and sordid Benson Hotel screwing a room-service worker who, somehow, wasn't me. I worked at that hotel, you know. Unless it was all just a wonderful dream. Out of college. Graveyard shift. And, sweetheart, I gots stories. None specifically about haunted, sad-eyed Kobe, but you know. I'm available for interview anyway. Call my agent.
"Bellhop!"
And naturally I'm confused and emotionally shattered to report that Madonna is allegedly considering joining the British Conservative Party... no, wait--that makes perfect sense. Fucking hausfrau.
