In case you've been hiding under a rock, Jesus Christ is in, in, IN! And secular humanism? Out, out, OUT! And it's all thanks to director/actor Mel Gibson and his blockbuster tribute to flagellation, The Passion of the Christ. See, before Mel's ultra-violent movie came out, Christianity was... well, let's face it... kinda sissy. Ooh, look at the pretty picture of Jesus petting a lamb. Ooh, look at Jesus, washing the feet of a dirty leper. HA! What a pansy! But now, with The Passion of the Christ, Jesus is mutilated from head to toe; he gets every inch of skin whipped off his body, proving once and for all that this ain't your grandma's Sunday school Christ--this Christ is one tough sonofabitch! (My apologies to Mary.)

And because this Christ is one baaaaaad motherf--(Shut your mouth!)--I'm just talkin' 'bout Christ! (Then we can dig it. ) Then that means ALL Christians, by simple association, are now also badasses. For example: You know how Christians always used to grouse about violent movies like Bonnie and Clyde, The Wild Bunch, and now Kill Bill? Well, that's because Christians were never allowed to play the "tough guy" roles! The Passion of the Christ is bloodier and more sadistic than all these movies combined--and Christians LOVE IT. Why? Because the "tough guy" is finally one of THEM. Now they can say, "You want a piece of me? You want a fawkin' piece of me? Take your best shot, heathen! I'll bleed for two and a half hours just like the Christ, and you STILL won't beat me!"

So it's little wonder that The Passion is such a popular movie with the holier-than-thou crowd. The only problem? What about those Christians who refuse to step inside the devil's multiplex? And frankly, I don't blame them. What if they get confused, intending to see The Passion, but accidentally watch the latest Olsen twins movie (AKA the teenage whores of Babylon)? That's why it's a MUST that The Passion of the Christ is shown on NATIONAL NETWORK TELEVISION.

Currently, Mel Gibson is in talks with the networks to do just that. However, he is insisting--AND RIGHTLY SO--that The Passion run in its entirety, without editing, and without any commercial interruption. Naturally, this is a problem for the chickenshit networks; they're thinking, "What if a four-year-old walks by the set and accidentally sees the 27-minute-long scene where Christ is being skinned alive by a cat o' nine tails? This could potentially be very upsetting!"

Ohhhh, donkey droppings! Four-year-old Christians need to toughen up, too! Besides, I think it's a little bit hypocritical that CBS will show Janet Jackson's boob popping out during the Super Bowl, but they won't show Jesus Christ's bloody rib popping out from his flayed ribcage.

Look, networks! The days of the Jewish-run media are OVER, and Christians are back in the driver's seat. So if they want everyone in America to see Jesus Christ peeled like a grape, then SO FAWKING BE IT.

(Hey! And if we're really lucky, the networks will show a double feature of The Passion of the Christ with Mel's What Women Want. I've always wanted to see Helen Hunt whipped with a cat o' nine tails.)