Former Sonics superstar Gary Payton is traded from the L.A. Lakers to the Boston Celtics.

Analysis: Weird. But with every player worth mentioning having now departed the championship Lakers, we will soon find out if Kobe Bryant has the ability to command his very own team, like Gary Payton and Michael Jordan before him. But let's be honest, if Kobe couldn't command the respect of a 19-year-old hotel concierge, what's he going to do with his teammates?

The U.S. Olympic basketball team loses to Italy 95-78 in a pre-Olympic European tour.

Analysis: It's embarrassing that the U.S. is competing in the Olympic basketball competition. None of our best players, except perhaps LeBron James and Allen Iverson, joined the team. Why? Terrorist threats aside, it's because Olympic basketball is stupid. Even Shaq, for all his retardedness, knows that; that's why he doesn't bother attending. What does the U.S. have to prove? Ping Pong, for sure, but basketball? What's the point of the rest of the world competing with the lethargic Olympic team we send over there anyway? Even if you beat us, what did you win? Huh? What, do you think you're better than us, ITALY? Stupid fucking foreign basketball players!

My dog Barkie barks at anything that is in the slightest way abnormal.

Analysis: Andre Agassi is still playing tennis despite being almost as old and crusty as Martina Natrilovialialia, and the guy has the strangest head ever made. It's FLAT on top. You could place a ball on his head and it wouldn't go anywhere. You could make cr*pes on his head. Jock Itch is not in favor of midlife comebacks. Old people suck. Barkie would bark at him for days.

The 2004 Olympic marathon route is the same route taken by Phidippides in 490 B.C. when he ran to Athens from the battlefield of Marathon.

Analysis: Bullshit. Further Analysis: It was Christ who ran the 26 miles as fast as he could, carrying two big goats' bladders full of wine so that Mary could give birth drunk. And why isn't Extreme Ironing an Olympic sport, but Trampoline is? The Olympics have bastardized the most funnest-ass thing in the world by turning it into a competition between nations. War is for competition between nations! Trampolines are for lying under while ladies with skirts jump for joy.