The worst thing is that, because of the lack of attention I get for this miniscule piece-of-shit garbled mess of hysteric, plagiarized ramblings posing as a sports column, no one is ever going to see me half nude on the cover of a magazine, and therefore the fame that I deserve for having such a perfectly sculpted body will never come to fruition because the vehicle, JOCK ITCH, into which I've placed all my hopes for a lucrative modeling career, is at best a rotting, neon green Ford Probe spewing toxic fumes onto the highway of Lost Dreams.

In contrast, the convertible Porsche Carrera that the female Olympic athletes now posing for Playboy and FHM are driving is the perfect machine to accelerate their dreams of becoming world-class swimsuit models. Amanda Beard, the world-record holder in the 200-meter breaststroke, is on this month's cover of FHM, along with four other world-class athletes in skimpy white bikinis. Apparently Beard intends to exploit her Olympic stature to jumpstart a modeling career.

Modeling is so very important. As a model you can influence young people to achieve higher levels of self-loathing. Also, models inspire bulimia, which takes much more concentration, diligence, and courage than being an Olympic gold medalist. Posing nude for Playboy is one of the best ways to get the celebrity you deserve. Gold medal, schmold medal. World record, schworld record! Take it off, sister! Show us your pubes!

Although it seems to be the trend, winning gold medals doesn't necessarily mean that a modeling career is the next step for all women athletes. "Society," along with its many other flaws, isn't ready to embrace Cheryl Haworth, the U.S. weightlifting champion, on the cover of Maxim. Call me a purist, but all I really want to see are those women athletes who look like models who might get naked, not women athletes who look like athletes and don't look good naked. For example, Nassim Hassanpour, the Iranian women's air pistol champion, should not remove her black veil and robe to pose for American Hunter. Only the foxy skinny ones who play soccer, play beach volleyball, or swim should apply to be models. After all, women have a reputation to uphold.