Paul the Pretard, Jock Itch's tri-gender metrosexual second-in-command, reports that he has been repeatedly "dating" (humping) his Ichiro Suzuki bobblehead doll ever since Ichiro recently became the first player in major league history to reach 200 hits in each of his first four seasons. Yippee for Ichi, but who gives a shitty? What baseball-obsessed fruitcakes like Paul fail to compute is that interest in baseball among kids in this country is steadily disintegrating. Since 1997 there has been a marked decline in the number of kids who join Little League, because the game has gained a reputation for being so slow that you have to be damaged, or "slow," to enjoy it. Officially Jock Itch has no malice toward the short-bus kids who do join Little League, being a short-bus alumnus myself, but unofficially I'm pretty sure that given the choice, kids being forced to play baseball by their fat loser dads would be happier pooping in a jar. Regardless, kids who avoid baseball deserve an extra pack of Skittles for speeding the decline of the stupidest sport ever.

Olympic Wrap-Up: I've formed a sports action committee called Women Soccer Players for the Truth. We're full of righteous venom against the United States women's Olympic soccer team for fraudulently winning the gold medal against Brazil in a 2-1 suspicious overtime victory. Women Soccer Players for the Truth will be airing a series of low-budget ads beginning in September that are meant to convey to the public the injustice of bestowing gold medals upon a team that was so unbelievably lucky. (It should be noted that WSPFTT is not affiliated in any way with the group calling itself South Korean Gymnasts Against Paul Hamm's Gold Medal for the Truth.) The women's Olympic soccer team did not play better than the Brazilians, they just got fucking lucky, and fucking luck has no right to decide the outcome of a sporting event.

It's time now to say goodbye to summer and face the shrill screeching violin music: FOOTBALL SEASON is nearly upon us. Football, like winter in Seattle, is maintained by evil spirits, so it's going to take a concerted effort from all of us to get through it without offing ourselves. I'll do my part by tearing the Seahawks a new butthole, and you do your part by sending me money so I can spend a few months in Hawaii.