The only two teams in the National Football League that did not raise ticket prices this year were the New Orleans Saints and the Seattle Seahawks. In fact, both teams decreased ticket prices, doing their part to lower the average price of an NFL game ticket to $54, which is an increase of 4.9 percent from the 2003 season. That means one of the least expensive games you could have attended last Sunday was in New Orleans, where the Seahawks beat the Saints 21-7. I, however, having vast, vast intelligence, walked to the movie theater, sneaked in my own cotton candy and beer, saw Hero, starring Jet Li and some other Asian actors, and paid $7 for the entire experience. During the movie it occurred to me that every movie depicting TONS and TONS of people doing the same thing at the same time (which usually means trying to kill each other) is more valid than all other movies put together. Take, for example, the Lord of the Rings and Star Wars movies, I, Robot, and Braveheart; each centered around tons and tons of robots or people with horses doing the same stupid shit at the same stupid time: marching, stomping their feet, and yelling. It can be assumed, therefore, that people who went to see Hero this past weekend are, like me, more intelligent than people who attend football games. Why? Because people who went to see Hero got to see tons and tons of people shooting tons and tons of arrows, which is beautiful. Whereas people who attend football games do so in order to do stupid goddamn shit like chanting "Go, Seahawks" and "Defense, defense, defense" while clapping their hands and stomping their feet.

I'm saying that being in a stadium with tons and tons of people watching a sporting event is asinine unless it's a soccer match and you're dancing and singing and playing drums and other strange instruments like the Brazilians do. Why would some jackass pay close to $100 for a ticket in the nosebleed section of the stadium where you can't even see any part of the action? I'll fucking tell you why! It's because people who crowd football stadiums want to be part of a larger group of stupid people. Stupid people, like people who square dance, feel better when they're all doing the same stupid thing at the same stupid time.