I took an instant dislike to Steve Kelley, the sports columnist for the Seattle Times, when I saw his face on the paper's website. It's gross. But then I read his Sunday sports column, and now I dislike him not only because his face reminds me of golf, but also because I hate people who get paid for doing the work a mule could do. The guys who hang from skyscrapers and wash windows, no donkey could do that. But Steve Kelley's job could be performed by any of your average farm animals.

Steve Kelley's subject was Grant Wistrom, who signed with the Seahawks for a six-year, $33-million-dollar contract and a $14-million-dollar signing bonus, and with whom Kelley seems to be in love. According to Kelley, during Sunday's game against Tampa Bay, Wistrom--and I quote--"played more downs than anybody had a right to believe he could." What?! Who the fuck do you think you are telling people they don't have the right to believe Grant Wistrom could play more downs? You stupid golfer. Then he wrote, "[Wistrom] is a 272-pound defensive end with the energy of a hummingbird." A hummingbird? Have you ever seen a hummingbird, Steve Kelley? They never stop moving. Defensive ends average exactly 12 seconds of movement every seven minutes. That's not hummingbird, that's elephant.

For those of you who are like, "Who the fuck is Grant Wistrom, goddammit! I want to know more about Grant Wistrom!"--here's a window into his psyche: Responding to the critics who argue his multimillion dollar contract is ridiculously inflated he said, "I'm not going to disagree with them either, man, I mean, I don't think anybody's worth that much money, but I'll certainly take it."

Speaking of overpaid farm animals, a douchebag named Raymee Holshouser e-mailed Jock Itch this corporate press release: "Grant Wistrom of the Seattle Seahawks is headed to the Ballard Boys & Girls Club on Tuesday, September 21, for a fun event that gives back to Seattle youth as part of Sharpie Autographs for Education." Raymee is trying to capitalize on the financial misfortune of the Ballard Boys & Girls Club to advertise his stupid pens. Fuck you, Raymee! Here's your plug: Go stick an oversized Sharpie pen up your loser butt, assface.