The Mariners have been sucking so much dingleberry ass-cheese that their new team goal--as opposed to the old team goal which was to try to win--is to avoid losing 100 games this season. Paul the Pretard, Jock Itch's gleeful master debater and chief baseball correspondent reports Ichiro is close to breaking George Sisler's single-season hit record, but who gives a shit? Does the average American even know who George Sisler was or is? The answer is NO. At least Ichiro is speaking the truth: "If you try to avoid 100 losses, is 99 losses good?"

I gave myself a blood transfusion last week in order to improve my performance in the sack because let's face it: If I've got a girlfriend, it's undoubtedly a tenuous situation and I need all the help I can get. Blood transfusions are nothing new; the 1984 U.S. Olympic Cycling team was banned from the games for recycling their blood in order to increase the oxygen levels in their red blood cells and level the cells in their oxygen levels and cells--or whatever. And just the other day, the blood of Tyler Hamilton, America's second-best cycling blood, was found to contain another person's blood in an initial test, which was not confirmed. Apparently however, unconfirmed tests are enough for Tyler Hamilton, who is a witch, to be burned alive. He's already lost endorsements and was suspended from his team.

In recently released taped testimony with police the day after he had a sexual encounter in his Colorado hotel room that led to rape allegations, Kobe Bryant states funny things like, "I stopped pumping," and, "I was just doing regular things," and, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I held her from the back and I went like this," and, "She wasn't that attractive." It's funny cause he's filthy rich and still has no privacy.

Finally, I'm aware that Jock Itch is the behind, or "asshole," of The Stranger, but I'd like to influence those of you who, like me, are repulsed and disgusted by the thought of voting and the fucks who promote voting as if it's your duty and privilege. Guess what? This time, you gotta vote our stupid fucking president out of office. He golfs, okay, and it's not like your sweet old grandpa who golfs, it's like the fucking war-mongering bully president who golfs. Register at