"Let those who swim lay down their legs unto the Lord" -Psalm 17:04, Book of Job

God has a plan for all of us. But more important was God's plan for Christopher Reeve who died Sunday, the Lord's Day. I LOVED Christopher Reeve, seriously man. Never a better athlete lived. "Superman, an athlete?" you ask? Yes, Superman an athlete.

While most of us take swimming for granted, Superman did not. After a super villain horse broke his neck and severed most of his spinal cord, leaving Superman without ANY SENSATION from his neck down, unable to breathe, eat, or shit without help, through sheer supersonic force of will he regained his proprioception (knowing where your body is in space) and some motor function as well as the ability to feel pain, temperature changes, and light touch. The average citizen, when faced with this type of devastating injury, dies. But was Superman satisfied with mere proprioception? No! He was determined to swim. Superman, defying God's twisted plan and fate's cruel indifference, was eventually able to push himself off with his legs from the side of the pool, and although this could be confused with the same thing stupid little babies do, no athlete, not even Lance Armstrong who survived ball, brain, and lung cancer, ever overcame such insurmountable odds to achieve an athletic feat. What an amazing asshole God is for killing Superman in such an inappropriate way. An infected BED SORE! I hate you God, you sick little fucker. Hate you and your whole crew.

The rest of this column is plagiarized because I'm not going to honor the Lord by using my stupendous God-given writing ability. I'm so upset that I'm going to highlight another of God's wonderful plans: a legless 14-year-old football player.

Willie McQueen lost his legs when a train ran over him while he was playing with his cousins in Birmingham, Alabama. "I don't care about how people might look at me, or even if somebody makes fun of me," says Willie. (I'm not making fun of YOU, Willie, I'm making fun of God.)

The 14-year-old, according to his coach, Adrian Phillips, has tremendous quickness and upper-body strength in addition to a low center of gravity. "When Willie McQueen gets his hands on you, you are going down," Phillips says. Willie's goal is to play in the NFL for his favorite team, the San Francisco 49ers.