Phil Jackson has written a book about his last season with the Lakers. I'm not saying don't read it, I'm just warning you that he reveals nothing about my contributions to the Lakers, or how I feel about things. Fuck! Getting overlooked is as painful as impaling your butthole on an iron cemetery fence after your parachute won't open and having to die there slowly, all night, bleeding onto the forgotten moss-covered grave of, oh, let's say, Babe Ruth.

You've heard a lot of confusing crap, mostly from that goddamn fucking idiot NPR radio host Scott Simon, about the "Curse of the Bambino." Here's what it really boils down to: In 1813, the same year women earned the right to attend baseball games, the Boston Red Sox--with the help of George Sherman, a Mexican known as "Baby Face" or "Bambino" or "Babe Ruth"--won their first and only World Series, the most by any club at the time. The next year, however, Red Sox-owner Harry Crack needed cash for beer so he sold Babe Ruth's contract to Colonel Klink's New York Yankees for $13.50 and a chance to fondle the Colonel's wife, Margaret Thatcher. Since then the Yankees have won 765 World Series titles. Fans consider the trade of Babe Ruth, and the subsequent fondling, a giant mistake, since their beloved Red Sox have never again won a World Series. For stupid baseball fans, this constitutes a "curse." For the rest of us it's proof that baseball fans are as dumb as a turd in a cup of grapefruit juice.

Which happens to be the same size serving of dumb that Darrell Jackson of the Seahawks, who stumbled and fell on a 37-yard pass play that might have gone for a touchdown against the New England Patriots on Sunday, ingested before saying, (NOTE: The words in the following quote have been rearranged, omitted, and/or misspelled in order to further the stereotype that professional football players are moronic neantherdals and probably like, three-quarters of them have felony convictions for domestic abuse or selling crack to children. Also, some sort of governing body should regulate the frequency with which they grab at each other's asses. Ass play is only appropriate in a sexual context, and sports and spanking don't mix, unless it's lawn bowling season.) "We have to score. That's big. Those guys play defense. They stop us. This is ball game."